love, cancer, etc.

1.1.12 - happy new year!

2012-01-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

a photo taken from my porch in the morning tule fog on christmas day and one with my sweet son james, swinging on the swings in village homes, during our walk with my friend annaick. matt is ringing in the new year on a solo motorcycle trek through death valley, after a holiday week in mexico with molly, also a motorcycle trip.

i feel so lucky to be waking up in beautiful davis, california, for a new year! warm weather, bike riding, a day to spend with friends. three years ago ago i was just about to begin chemo - a lifetime ago. i was so afraid and had no idea what chemo and radiation were going to be like. i spent all my time reading books and articles, asking my docs millions of questions. i remember being mostly terrified of what i'd read about "chemo brain," which i fortunately never did experience. little did i know how life-changing and positive and eye-opening the whole cancer experience would be, how much i'd love my new body, how many new friends i'd be making, how many old unhealthy friendships i'd let go of, how much closer i'd be to my sons and molly, to joe, to wally, to sally, to amy, that i would find peter and lavanna and chad after all these years, that i would lose my sweet little mother, that my brother would die, that i would travel back to paris with james and see magali and fred and mona, that i'd finally get to padre, that i'd meet joe in madison and meet kevin and tricia at tomotherapy, that i'd fall in love with johnson's ranch at caddo lake, how my priorities would shift, and that i'd be moving back home to davis. i'm grateful for all the ways cancer shook up my life and made sense of it.

i'm heading into my fourth year of no recurrence and will get my annual lab work done this winter. i'm still diligent about a very healthy diet, lots of exercise, 2000 IU/Vitamin D3, 1200mg of calcium, and a multivitamin every day. i'll stay very close to my sons and my friends and do all the things that make me happy - if cancer recurs this year, i'll have no regrets.

happy new year!

bonne annee,
bonne sante,
beaucoup d'argent
dans la porte-monnaie!

xoxoxo

11.20.11 - three years since surgery

2011-11-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

three years since surgery!

a million good things have happened to me since that day in the hospital, a million things i never could have imagined, plus so many, many people i've met and who have a special place in my heart, and all because of the wake-up call of cancer which has caused me to almost completely reshape my life. to say i'm happy is a gigantic understatement. i celebrated this third year anniversary by spending a fun weekend in venice and santa monica with my sons and daughter-in-law.

the very best part of keeping this blog for three years has been the many emails i've received from women around the world who relate to my experience and feel less alone with their feelings when they read my entries. that brings me so much joy to know i have made even a small contribution to someone else as a result of my having had cancer. (i'm also glad i've been able to steer women in reno away from two of the medical oncologists i was stuck with because of insurance reasons, who were condescending jerks.) and i have spent many, many meaningful hours on the phone with women who are facing mastectomy and/or going through treatment - as well as with several women who are now dear friends and we stay in touch and talk on the phone or email often. there's been a lot of laughter in our conversations, despite the seriousness of having breast cancer. i'm so grateful to have these women in my life. i hope they know how much they've helped me, too, and make my life so much fuller by having them as friends (lesley! joyce! reva! deb! elle! bobbi! adriene! maria!).
xoxoxoxo

thankful for another birthday!

2011-09-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

today i am 57.

i'm so grateful to have another birthday, thanks to the tech who correctly read my mammogram in 2008; to Dr. Art Levit, my dear friend who took me under his wing and gave me advice and support every step of the way; to Dr. Michelle Chu for her awesome surgery; to Dr. Eric Rost and his staff in radiology at Renown; to everyone at TomoTherapy for the type of radiation i received; to Dr. Mark Moasser at UCSF, who was my main medical oncologist (and to Nancy Stephenson and Deb Stephenson and Elle Stephens, who made that possible); to the oncology nurses at Renown for their expertise during chemo treatments; to Bobbi Gillis, my nurse navigator, for holding my hand figuratively and literally; to my many friends who supported me; to my sweet, sweet sons and daughter-in-law for being right there with me every single minute and for filling my life so full with love.

love: my new life in davis, everything about it - swimming, biking, old friends, joining new communities, the smells (dirt, farms, honeysuckle), the sounds (geese and crows, palm trees in the wind, leaves falling on my deck), the environment (little yellow butterflies everywhere, palm trees, olive trees, miles of country roads). love the fact that my two sons live 2 miles apart in southern CA and see each other often, are close friends. love that my daughter-in-law just got a new job with the same company as my son. love that my sons' dad now lives only an hour away from them and they can be together often.

cancer: it's been almost three years since my surgery, and i feel full of energy and good health. and i don't know how else to say except that i am so very happy not to have breasts! i always wanted a flat chest, and it seems miraculous to finally have the body i always wanted. my surgeon, michelle chu, did such perfect handiwork. the two scars are each about four inches long, very even, almost straight, and are beautiful white lines like artwork on my body. especially when i'm swimming, it feels so good to have this slim straight body gliding through the water. and i feel almost giddy not to have to deal with bras anymore (those bitches!)!

etc: i recently volunteered with Yolo Hospice, and was asked to implement an oral history program. with my background in owning an oral history transcription company since 1982 (Technitype Transcripts), i have lots of resources to draw upon. the goal is to produce a video and/or audio recording, with photographs, of interviews with the person receiving Hospice care, including the family if that's what's desired. the interviews will be about whatever the person wants to leave in memory for their family. i took lots of videos of my mom the last month of her life, and i find them very comforting now. i'm so grateful to Hospice for what they did for my mom when she died last year and what they did for those of us also taking care of her. i was stunned by how much they helped, day and night, and i'm so glad i can be a part of this amazing organization.

xoxoxo

9.6.11 - worth the chemo and radiation

2011-09-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

living in west davis next to the russell blvd olive-tree path, waking up to the delicious davis air (dirt! farms! crops!), speaking french with my french friend annaick, swimming every day, living in a virtual treehouse (my deck and bedrooms literally engulfed by huge full trees), and beautiful early morning and late evening rides on my new bike - it's all worth the 4 months of chemo and the 32 days of radiation treatment. i think back and remember the nurses in the chemo room who were so patient and so comforting when i was so afraid and felt so lousy. i'm grateful to them. sitting in that chemo chair, i could not have imagined then how much fun was in my future! as my friend amy says, "thank you and i welcome more."

xoxo

3 years after diagnosis: new home, new life, big love

2011-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

three years ago this month, i discovered i had breast cancer. it seems like an eternity ago!

since the very minute i moved back to davis, i have had a funny familiar feeling that i couldn't place, i haven't felt it in so long (hello, stuart!). today, after a 2-hour walk starting at 6:30 a.m. through olive-tree paths and next to cornfields, then a long morning at the very busy farmers' market, then the most delicious padt gaprow at sophia's thai restaurant, i realized it's the feeling of first falling in love--you know when you feel floaty and glowy and electric and quietly ecstatic?? that's how i feel about being here. i just cannot believe how lucky i am to be in davis again and feel this feeling of huge love!

what i have been doing every day:

> swimming in the hot afternoons and late at night in the pool!
> listening to geese flying north, a sound i've missed for 3 years in reno
> listening to the swishing of palm fronds way up in the sky towering over my home
> rocking in my rocking chair on my deck, which is just like living in a treehouse, engulfed by trees
> seeing friends i've missed for a long time
> walking and walking and walking and walking and walking and walking through the countryside, blissed out to be back in an environment i love so much

yesterday at the pool i was joined by a french woman who has lived here for 15 years. she's a little older than i, with beautiful curly silver hair and a glowing, gorgeous face. we chitchatted about the usual - and then she mentioned she had cancer. started with stage 3 ovarian cancer which recurred, two bouts of chemo. so we had quite a bit to talk about--no longer chitchat, but getting right to the quick - about what cancer has brought to our lives, how much we appreciate life more than ever, and how grateful we are that our children are grown. i am always amazed by how many of us have had and still have cancer. an interesting brotherhood/sisterhood.

unless something cancer-y comes up, i have no more doctor visits or lab work to even think about until next year. i plan to spend this coming year staying in love and being blissed out! i'm going to volunteer with Yolo County Hospice and also get very involved with photography again. tomorrow i'm buying a sea foam green cruiser bicycle! la vie est belle!

xoxoxo

2 years since the end of treatment!

2011-07-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

two years ago today was my last day of breast cancer treatment. unleashed!

two years without recurrence is a big milestone for those of us with triple negative breast cancer. five years without recurrence is cause for major celebration statistically. so i'm hoping for especially the next 1,095 days to be without recurrence.

tallied up, that means 1,095 days of a lot of exercise (you will find me walking or biking on russell blvd on the olive-tree path every day in davis!), a very healthy diet, appreciating every day with friends and family, insanely delicious meals at sophia's, photography with the davis photo club, speaking french at international house, volunteering at yolo hospice, my job of listening to oral histories, visiting my two sons and daughter-in-law in venice and santa monica, monthly trips to pillar point harbor and pacifica, continuing my surfing photography, yearly trips to the bayou and uncertain, TX, and, most importantly to me, showing my sons and daughter-in-law what a happy life looks like after cancer and including them in it.

for the last few days i've been enjoying texts from my oldest son, who is in africa as the videographer for travel mission to tanzania. a world away! and my youngest son and his wife are leaving soon for another trip to mexico, and are putting things into place to move to costa rica next year. i am so happy my kids are enjoying life to the fullest while they're so young!

57 days till i move to davis!

xoxo

2011-06-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

sadness. two medical professionals i care deeply for, who took care of me, have been diagnosed with cancer. my next-door neighbor, who took care of her mom for many years at home (who died of breast cancer) has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. i tried to get in touch with two friends i was very close to when i lived in davis, and discovered that both of them died recently of breast cancer. a dear friend has a spot in her breast but is too afraid to have a biopsy, so she's going to just hope for the best and have another mammogram in six months. my oldest and dearest friend has been smoking for twenty years and won't stop.

i'm torn between feeling fatalistic (we all die of something, so pass the potato chips) and then panicked (very, very anxious to move back to davis and dive into a happy life).

i keep returning to a poem by Colleen Wainwright:

All the room in the world

If it helps
we're only renting
The car you drive
The house you bought
Those shoes
That ring
This muffin
It all passes through
like it was never yours
to begin with
(Especially the muffin)

I'm the caretaker
for now
of this hat
that fridge
these cells
and once my term is up
they will move on
to the next caretaker
in some shape
or another entirely

Be the container
that is clean and good
to hold these things
for the time they are yours:
these babies
those thoughts
this poem
And be prepared
to let go
at a moment's notice
(or not)
when the moment comes
And if you feel sad
or heavy
or small
let go
let go
let go
All the stuff in the world
is not half as wonderful
as the room left behind
once it's gone.

xoxo

6.12.11 - happiness compass pointing west to Davis, CA

2011-06-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

two years ago today:

had radiation session #19
bald as a baby
my chest itching like a bitch (100% aloe vera gel was always within reach)
anxious for treatment to be over so i could finally visit my mom in dallas, start traveling again, be unleashed from the cancer world

today:

feeling terrific!
counting the days until i move back to my favorite city in the U.S., davis, CA. my family and i moved there from annapolis, MD, in 1991, my sons spent most of their teenage years there, then went away to college. i left davis in 2000 to live at the ocean for 8 years, then moved to reno to be near my youngest son and his wife, did the cancer dance here, and now i am going back to davis 11 years after leaving.

davis is a beautiful, thriving college town, lush with thousands of trees and surrounded by miles and miles of rural landscape, known as the bicycle capital of the U.S., with over 100 miles of bike and walking paths. it has a vibrant cultural life and is very progressive and liberal, very much like madison, WI, but without the snow. davis has a fantastic farmers' market twice a week, the best thai restaurant i've ever been to (Sophia's), lots of wonderful and cozy used bookstores, and a nice diversity in the population, a large muslim and asian community, and lots of students to keep the place young. what i love the most is all the trees, the fields, the walking/biking paths, and the smell of davis--the minute i cross the causeway, i'm swooning, smelling the rich soil from all the farming.

my new home will be a perfect fit for me - right across from the olive tree path in the photos above, where i will love to walk or bike every day, rain or shine! a beautiful big pool, a quiet area in west davis, and best of all, i'll be with my dear friends scott and michelle and nancy and amy again. and now i'll only be an easy 6-hour drive from my sons in venice and santa monica. and only 1.5 hours from pacifica, where i lived at the ocean and love to visit.

i've learned a lot in reno in these past three years. it's been wonderful living in the high desert, surrounded by mountains, experiencing (a ton of) snow and the power of zephyr winds. reno is a very stress-free place with very friendly people, and if you love skiing and hiking and mountain biking, it's heaven on earth. unfortunately, i'm not into those things, and after matt and molly moved to santa monica, i've been bored out of my mind. i mean seriously bored, to the point of seeing no point in being alive. more bored than i've ever felt in my entire life. it was scary.

reno is an extremely inexpensive place to live--easily 70% less expensive than the bay area, and that was a great surprise being able to save so much money here. but at what price? for the last month or so i've been debating whether to stay in reno and be able to save lots of money and therefore travel most of the year, or move to davis, where my health insurance premium will double (just because it's CA) and rent is much higher - but in davis i'll have joy every single day. it seems a travesty, after having gone through breast cancer treatment and realizing how precious life is, to waste even one day of my life being completely bored. so i've decided to make the move, even if it might mean less travel in the long run. but i was traveling to davis from reno as often as i could anyway these past three years. it will feel good to be really home again.

xoxo

5.18.11 - Breast Cancer Activism

2011-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Catherine Guthrie, a journalist from Somerville, MA, and breast cancer survivor who had a bilateral mastectomy, after seeing the "Booze for Boobs" poster in her community for supposedly a breast cancer fundraiser, contacted me and wrote, "My hope is to go on a stealth mission this evening, walk around Somerville, and paste your empowered and
breastless picture over the graphic in this poster as a way to get people's attention and make them think twice about what women's bodies really look like after a bout with the big C. (Somewhat of a Guerrilla Girl approach :)."

I was more than happy to say yes! Catherine created this "Reality Check" poster from my photo. Thank you, Catherine! I admire your fantastic activism!

mastectomy self-portrait in American Cancer Society book

2011-04-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful that I'll be able to spread the word about the importance of yearly mammograms! And if my photo makes even one person less afraid of mastectomy, I will be very happy.

This is the photo that will be published

Dear Deborah:

Thank you so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected.

Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

Congratulations, and our sincere thanks for contributing.

Karen Barrow

------------
Karen Barrow
Producer, Health
NYTimes.com

3.17.11 - New York Times Lens Blog!

2011-03-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep at all last night because I knew this article in the New York Times Lens Blog was coming out! Thanks to my dear friend Randy Smith, aka Mr. Holgamods.com, I was interviewed by David Gonzalez about my Holga photography. What is a Holga? It's a $20 plastic Chinese camera that produces pure magic, uses 120 film, and each photo is a complete surprise. I said in the article that I think of my Holgas as old, visually impaired relatives. So true!

Thank you, Randy and David! It's been a dream of mine to have my photos in the NYT! You made it come true!

xoxoxo

2.15.11 - new adventures

2011-02-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

i moved from california to nevada in 2008 to live near my youngest son and daughter-in-law, three months before my breast cancer diagnosis. incredible timing, and we became so close to each other because of that experience. my son accepted a new job and moved to santa monica last week! that means both of my sons are living in the same city for the first time in 12 years. i am thrilled that they will be together again and that my oldest son and my daughter-in-law will get to know each other well.

this means i'll leave nevada when my lease is up, at the end of august. i have six months to prepare for another new experience! i'm thinking about moving back to davis, california, hopefully to my very favorite community, where i have dear friends and lived for many years when my sons were younger. moving to the L.A. area, somewhere near the water and away from the insane traffic, is a possibility.

at first the thought of not living near my sons made me feel very uneasy. what if cancer returns and i'm far from them? interestingly, my mom's death has made me less afraid of cancer recurring and less worried about not living near my sons if that happens. seeing how amazing hospice is, seeing how painless death can be when you're in hospice care - it's so reassuring. sometimes i have to remind myself to appreciate my good health and my energy every day, not be distracted by worries about a future cancer. if it happens, it happens. my sons will come to me, hospice will be a relief for all of us, and it will all be fine. depending on where cancer would recur, i'm not sure i'd go through chemo again. anyway - i'm looking forward to new adventures, a new life, and lots of joy ahead!

1.26.11 - Patient Resource Cancer Guide

2011-01-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

I wish I had known about this website when I was newly diagnosed. There is a wealth of information here about all kinds of cancers, plus excellent downloadable treatment guides:

Patient Resource Cancer Guide

1|1|11 - cancer and time

2011-01-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

i love these numbers 1|1|11, like sticks, like upright citizens approaching a new year, like trees lined up in an orchard, like boats in their berths at the harbor on still water.

a new year. i've been thinking a lot about time. two years ago this month i started chemo. i never thought i'd see two years go by without cancer recurrence. it feels miraculous that i've been so completely healthy and feel so terrific now. i have cancer to thank for that. cancer is why i am healthy now.

for years i never felt i had the time to exercise every day or even take vacations on a regular basis. i was a vegetarian, was always thin, never got sick, and felt everything was fine, until my diagnosis in september of 2008. suddenly i "found" the time for surgery, recovery, four months of chemo, two months of daily radiation. now when i feel like i'm too busy to exercise an hour a day, too busy to volunteer, too busy to join my french-speaking group, too busy to sit in my rocking chair on my porch, read a book and look at the beautiful sky and mountains, i remember sitting in that chemo chair for seven hours or the drive to the hospital every single weekday for two months for radiation. yes, i've got the time.

i've started the new year with the priority of health: this week is my semiannual follow-up for bloodwork and yearly bone density scan to see if chemo created any bone density changes. i continue to take 2000iu of Vit D/day, 1200mg calcium/day, daily vitamin, exercise an hour every day, and i enjoy a vegetarian diet unless i'm traveling in the south and succumbing to delicious southern food! i make time every day to connect in some way with family and friends, i am fortunate to live a fairly stress-free life in a beautiful environment, i love my work, i watch a lot of movies on netflix (my addiction!), i take a long bath by candlelight every night, i get at least eight hours of sleep, and i am hoping to travel quite a bit in 2011, especially back to the bayou in texas/louisiana. making the most of time.

has your experience with cancer changed your relationship with time?

happy new year!

12.25.10 - christmas in the sun!

2010-12-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

2008: two years ago: recuperating from mastectomy and terrified of facing chemo.

2010: sunny, warm los angeles! a heart-filling christmas with my son james. lots of visiting with his friends, delicious meals, watching videos, playing with his cats, watching "A Christmas Story" for the hundredth time, JUMP ROPING, which he hadn't done in maybe twenty years, which was hilarious fun. i sobbed like a baby when i hugged him goodbye at LAX and couldn't stop crying the whole time i was at the airport. and instead of probing and scanning, a TSA agent actully came up to me and asked me if i needed a hug!!!

11.20.10 - two magnificent years!

2010-11-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

Two years ago this morning I was in the hospital with my sons, waiting for the sentinel node biopsy dye to go through my chest, waiting 3 hours for my mastectomy. I was nervous but fatalistic. I had written "I love you" notes to my sons. I had called my very worried mom in Texas, had sent her a teddy bear, and told her everything was fine. I was terrified of upcoming chemo and had updated my powers-of-attorney and made sure my sons could write checks on my accounts, because I thought chemo would ruin me and I'd be incapacitated for four months. Little did I know that I was going to have a pretty easy time through chemo, a very easy time through radiation, and that I was about to have the two most magnificent years of my life!

I could never have dreamed that I'd be thankful for the gifts that having breast cancer brought to me - a wakeup call like no other, a reminder to really LIVE and enjoy life, to travel and explore. I could not have imagined all the truly wonderful people I was going to meet in the next two years--health care professionals who have become friends, other women with breast cancer who have become soulmates; and many, many people I'd meet in my many travels, more traveling than I had ever done in such a short time, trips to Paris, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Madison, Padre Island, Davis, Dallas, Caddo Lake. It feels more like two decades than two years! And every day since the mastectomy, I have loved my body. It feels great not to wear bras! I love having the flat chest I'd always wanted. I feel healthy, happy, and grateful every day for these past two years.

I have been having a hard time dealing with my mom's death. I miss her. I decided to go away and stay in a cabin by the lake, in my favorite place in the world, the bayou on the Texas-Louisiana border, at Caddo Lake. I spent the month of October there, spending hours on the water, on a bike, walking, rocking in the rocking chair on the beautiful screened-in porch, meeting the most wonderful people in the little town of Uncertain, Texas, spending a perfect day with my dear friend Joseph, who came down to visit me. I took thousands of photos and interviewed some of the people I met for an oral history/photography project I hope to finish up next spring when I return. I loved every minute of fantastic Texas booming thunderstorms! I adore the smell of the swamp, hot Texas humidity, the incessant sound of insects and birds, the haunting sound of the steamboat whistle as it goes through the marsh, and most of all I love the people I met. I've reserved the cabin for April and May of next year - counting the days until I can be there again - 130 days!!

The trip away gave me time to work through the regrets I have about my mom, how I could have been a better daughter, how I could have helped her more. It still feels impossible that she's gone. I brought home her beauty lotions. I don't use them because the imprint of her fingertips are in the jars. I have her photo in my dressing room and I talk to her every day. My sweet little mom.

I was surprised and happy to hear that my blog is one of the top breast cancer blogs for the licensed practical nurse website!

Thank you for reading my blog for two years and for all the e-mails and phone calls and comments. It means the world to me.

My dear friend Randy Smith at Holgamods.com made this beautiful movie of some of the photos I took during my visit. I will forever be grateful for this gift! xoxoxo

9.16.10 - saving voices

2010-09-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

my mom and her companion of nine years, wally, were two peas in a pod, inseparable, cute, cute, cute - both barely five feet tall, in their 80s, almost always teasing each other and laughing, and deeply in love.

my mom died on august 19. i still feel very quiet about the experience. i had no idea that being with her day and night for three weeks before her death, and with her as she died, would be such an intimate, life-changing experience. i am so grateful. and i cannot say enough about hospice - what an incredible organization. hospice made all the difference in mom's quality of life and death and in our experience of caring for her.

i have thousands of photographs and dozens of videos of my mom over the years, and also i have dozens and dozens and dozens of cassette tapes that i saved from all the answering machines i've had over the years. i have hours upon hours of the voices of my mom, my dad, my two sons, friends and lovers over the past 15 years. my mom's voice changes as she ages, but in almost every message she says, "deborah, this is your mother. call me when you can, please." we talked on the phone at least twice a week every week for the last 33 years. it's surreal not to be able to call her now. i called her phone number the other day, thinking maybe it would be like a Twilight Zone episode where she'd actually pick up the phone. but it was disconnected. i talk to her a lot anyway, quite a lot now, and say all the things i wish i had said over the years. one thing for sure, all these years she knew i loved her, and the last month of her life she knew wally and her very dear friend mary lou and i were doing everything we could to make her feel loved, safe, and comfortable, and that's what makes her death easier for me.

my little, sweet mom showed me and my oldest son, who flew in from L.A. for a couple of days to be with her and then again for the funeral, how to die with dignity and grace, even with humor. i'm not afraid anymore of the actual process of dying. it was quite beautiful, the last days and hours of her life. i think often about breast cancer recurring, i do try to make the most of every day, and now that i know that hospice can actually make death a comfortable experience, i feel much better about how my eventual death might affect my sons.

when i think about mom, i think of this quote from garrison keillor's book, "Pilgrims":

"You live in my heart. You bring me joy and sorrow. You'll never know how dear you are."

xoxo

7.24.10 - life & death

2010-07-24T20:00:00.001-07:00

wonderful last days of summer for me in reno spent with my sweet and fun oldest son, james - talking and catching up, walking by the truckee river, going to the movies, cooking delicious food, taking photos. memorizing every minute i had with him. he's off to L.A. and NYC again.

the plants on my porch are finally making little tiny tomatoes and thai chili peppers! i'll have to leave them with my son and daughter-in-law in reno, because i'm leaving for dallas with my stepsister sally in three days.

when i started this blog, i was worried about dying from breast cancer and leaving my mom behind. that was two years ago in september. i am so glad that i didn't leave her first and break her heart.

i have a one-way ticket for dallas, to go help care for my mom, who is now in full-time hospice care and fading quickly, although she still has her feisty moments, which is heartening. the last time i saw her in dallas, only a handful of weeks ago, she was still able to get around, use her walker and go to restaurants with her beau. now she can barely leave the bed. because of 50+ years of smoking cigarettes, she's in the terminal stages of lung cancer. she quit smoking 8 years ago, but it was too late. and once she began taking morphine for pain, she spiraled downhill quickly.

thanks to my mom's influence, i'm very compulsively and obsessively organized. i've completed most of the arrangements for her funeral services at her church and cemetery; picked out her favorite church hymns and readings; written all the letters to accompany the death certificates to close her accounts and notify social security, etc. i've written thank-you notes to everyone who's helped her these last few years, addressed them, stamped them. i don't want to deal with all this later; i'll be too sad.

when i called the funeral home, i was told that she had already purchased her cemetery plot, her casket, picked out the flower arrangements, and even arranged for two cars for the family to go to the cemetery. she did all this years ago. what a thoughtful mom.

she's already let me know which clothes she wants to be buried in. it's a beautiful outfit that lit up her eyes when we went clothes shopping the last time i saw her. i knew she'd never have an occasion to wear it; she was fading even then. so it's brand new and beautiful, and it will wrap her little body in that casket that she already picked out years ago. i cried when the funeral home director told me i could bring shoes for her to wear in the casket. my mom LOVES LOVES LOVES shoes (size 5, hard to find) and used to have hundreds of them. i had never thought about her wearing shoes in her casket.

after she's gone, her beau and i are going to take a little road trip to padre island and spend time time at the gulf. he hasn't been able to travel for years because he's been taking care of mom. he's 85 and still quite young.

so i expect to be gone for quite a while. i've never taken a one-way ticket anywhere before. and i wonder what will it feel like, finally flying back home to reno, knowing i will never fly to dallas again to visit my mom, a place where i grew up and have visited her every few months for the last thirty-five years.

xoxo

7.5.10 - one year from the end of treatment!

2010-07-05T07:55:00.001-07:00

one year ago today i had my very last cancer treatment, after 4 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation. one year! i can hardly believe it. i'm celebrating by swimming all morning!

i look back and am so grateful for the new friends i have made this past year, especially kevin o'malley at tomotherapy, inc., who really changed my life by inviting me to madison to speak at the annual meeting, and whose generosity and friendship mean so much to me. & it's been a great year of travel - dallas, caddo lake, padre island, los angeles, madison, pacifica, davis, san francisco, trinidad and arcata, paris. heart-wise, it's been an indescribably wonderful time of reconnection with joe and sally.

i had my six-month checkup and labwork a few days ago with my new doctor, a general practitioner, and all is well. i'm daring to hope that life will continue to be just like it is now - filled with friends and family and travel, and the only vivid reminder of cancer being labwork and checkup every six months.

i'm on my way to dallas soon to be with my mom, who has started hospice care. it's a tender time for our family, and the hospice nurses are making all the difference. i'm so grateful to them.

xoxo

7.1.10 - blissed out! iPhone Photography Awards 2010

2010-07-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

woke up to a fantastic surprise this morning! five of my iPhone photos were chosen for the iPhone Photography Awards 2010 in several categories and an Honorable Mention. i'm so grateful!

summer = swimming an hour each morning
summer = hot tubbing 15 minutes after swimming every morning
summer = weekend road trips to davis and pacifica
summer = organic fruit!
summer = making fresh vegetarian spring rolls!
summer = thai chili pepper plants thriving in the garden on my porch!
summer = a long visit with my oldest son!
summer = travel and photography
summer = feeling healthy and happy and blissed out!

6.22.10 - road trip and reunion with my stepsister, sally

2010-06-22T11:02:00.001-07:00

7-hour road trip to see my stepsister, sally, for the first time in ten years, in her beautiful cabin in the beach town of trinidad, california, north of eureka. when we were 17, her father and my mother married.

an absolutely perfect weekend!

miles and miles of forests and the trinity river, windows down, car filled with cool air and the smell of pine, highways 44 and 299 to 101

seeing sally's beautiful warm cabin at the ocean, her horse avalanche, her stable, her bird that talks and whistles, her 14-year-old dog zoey, her thriving gardens

being in arcata at the oyster festival and farmers' market and food co-op

delicious meals in restaurants, but by far the best was sally's homemade squash casserole, red lentil dahl, and salad from her garden

hours of nonstop talking and laughing and reconnecting

full heart

6.16.10 - time travel

2010-06-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

every night i sleep with the sound of heavy rain from an iPhone app, and this morning at 5 a.m. suddenly the rain sounded CRAZY LOUD and i thought WTF is wrong with my iPhone?? and i woke up and it was HAILING and thundering and LIGHTNING in real life! and i was SO HAPPY! i made coffee and sat on the porch in my rocking chair all morning and memorized it. it was a GREAT MORNING! we never, ever, ever get rain and thunder and lightning here! it was fantastic!

this is the iPhone app i absolutely love! i sleep to all the rain sounds, but when i want to time travel, i listen to a cat purring (memories of veronica, our cat for 17 years); a hissing yard sprinkler (growing up in dallas, 18 years of hot summers); campfire crackling (camping out in shenandoah valley with my sons for many years); light rain with the sound of mockingbirds (my grandparents' back yard); beach waves (eight years of living at the beach in pacifica); boat swaying in the water and ropes moaning (our years in annapolis, where my son were born, and the wonderful chesapeake bay); city streets (my junior year abroad in paris, my room at 5 rue de philibert delorme, overlooking a beautiful paris neighborhood which was alive all night, horns honking); clothes dryer (raising my kids!!!); frogs at night (our life in the country in galesville, maryland, and hundreds of nights in louisiana); jungle sounds (memories of costa rica when my son and his wife were married there two years ago); chimes chiming (my mom's back yard); train ride (a train trip with my grandfather when i was 7); tibetan singing bowl (years with amy).

my favorite to sleep to is rain on a car roof, but in my mind it's rain on the aluminum roof of our boathouse in louisiana at my grandparents' fishing camp, where i spent all my time as a kid in the summers and on holidays. it was my favorite place to be in a rainstorm. and thanks to this app, it still is.

6.1.10 - two years in reno!

2010-06-01T07:36:00.001-07:00

today is my two-year anniversary of living in reno, the last place on earth i ever thought i'd live! i used to visit matt here, and when i'd leave, i'd wonder why in the world anyone would ever choose to live in reno. but i moved here because my love of family is much stronger than my love of the ocean in pacifica or my love of life in the san francisco bay area. reno has been a culture shock, to say the least, but i have grown to love many things about this place. of course the most heart-filling is that matt and molly and dave are right up the street and i just can't believe how lucky i am to be part of their lives. and i adore the hot summer weather and swimming in the summer! that's unheard of in pacifica. heaps of beautiful snow in the winter! unheard of in the bay area. NO TRAFFIC. FREE PARKING. i still can't get used to the lack of traffic and all the free parking. really it just doesn't make any sense to me, after 8 years of absurd traffic and ridiculously expensive parking (even at the doctor's office!) in the bay area. i love the landscape here - the waves of hills and mountains all around reno, the enormous expanse of sky and the mesmerizing clouds, the beautiful desert. and it's so incredibly quiet here. i was used to hearing the sound of the ocean all day and night in pacifica. here it's completely quiet until the zephyr winds start up. i love my beautiful home, my fireplace, my big porch with rocking chairs overlooking the mountains, the amazingly inexpensive rent (definitely not the bay area!). i've made many good friends here who have brought a lot of laughter and fun into my life.

even having cancer treatment in reno has been reassuring in lots of ways. after a few fits and starts, i found a marvelous surgeon, Dr. Michelle Chu. i had many upsetting and stressful issues with my (lousy) medical oncologists in reno, but once i became a patient of the wonderful Dr. Mark Moasser at UCSF (thank you, debbie stephenson and elle stephens!!)and he guided my treatment here, and having the great fortune to have Dr. Eric Rost as my radiation oncologist and the great good fortune of having TomoTherapy radiation, i'd say that having cancer treatment here was comforting. the hospital is only fifteen minutes away from my home, and did i mention free parking and no traffic?? i was able to deal with chemo and radiation and healing in a quiet town, with a beautiful environment, very stress-free, and close to my son and daughter-in-law. i'm grateful.

and i have to mention reno's small, sweet, stress-free airport! it was such a surprise to me that there are lots and lots of gambling machines in the airport--very noisy, a total pain especially at 6 a.m. when you have to listen to the "wheel of fortune" machines nonstop. but it's a very nice little place to fly in and out of, especially when reno is a bit TOO quiet and i just have to get out of here!

my next trip - in 2 weeks, to visit my stepsister in westhaven-moonstone, on the coast north of eureka, california. a road trip!

SUMMER!!!!

xoxo

5.16.10 - growing tradition

2010-05-17T07:35:00.001-07:00

when matt was 2, we grew the first of our many, many family gardens. he was a fantastic gardener and then entrepreneur, selling produce to the neighbors when he was about 8. he rigged a contraption on the back of his bike to hold all the tomatoes he sold. (i'd post that adorable photo, but he'd have a fit!) our gardens were such a joy to us for years. i remember matt going out to the garden early in the mornings to pick strawberries for breakfast. i haven't had a big garden since my sons went to college because i've always lived in apartments so i could be free of the hassle of home ownership and be free to travel anytime, but i've missed gardening more than anything.

so you can imagine what a thrill it was for me when matt asked me to help him and molly build their first garden together! we spent this past weekend getting supplies at the lumber store and the beautiful moana nursery. matt built the raised platform beds, and the three of us picked out vegetables and flowers and spent sunday afternoon planting the garden together. it's molly's first garden, and it was so much fun to watch her get her hands in the soil and get the hang of dealing with the delicate roots of pepper plants and onions. matt picked out blue tomato cages, which are so gorgeous next to the bright yellow marigolds. we planted lots of strawberries, pepper plants, jalapenos, onions, garlic, tomatoes, chard.

this time last year i had just finished four months of chemo and was starting two months of radiation. there's no way i could have helped with a garden like i did this weekend. i got a real workout - spent hours tilling the ground manually, picked up many, many 20-lb bags of compost and soil. it felt great to be exhausted at the end of the day! and it feels wonderful to be 55 years old, to feel strong and healthy, to be so close to my son and daughter-in-law, and to be included in their new tradition of gardening.

simple pleasures.

5.14.10 - two weeks in texas

2010-05-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

two weeks in texas!

fell in love with port aransas, rockport, fulton - the old fishing boats, harbors, the ferry, miles of beach, perfect TX humid weather at the gulf, amazing steamed shrimp! i think if i had visited this area when i was going to college at trinity in san antonio, i may not have left texas. strange to imagine.

we took the back roads from dallas and back. stopped at country cupboard in johnson city for lunch - "the best chicken fried steak in the world" - drove the beautiful river road by the guadalupe down to corpus and over to port aransas. our condo at island retreat was fantastic--a full condo with kitchen, large porch overlooking the gulf. and the air! perfect humid texas gulf air. it stirred all my body memories of what i loved about texas growing up there. we took long walks on the beach, had delicious shrimp and etoufee at the crazy cajun and boiling pot restaurants. took the ferry several times. i especially loved the fishing boats and old harbor at rockport. seagulls everywhere! on our way back back to dallas, we took alternate 77, had lunch at cuevo, and stopped at goliad to explore the missions. in rockport we saw "the big tree," which was amazing. photographed lots of cemeteries along the way. it was hot as hell weather, thousands of ants and mosquitoes everywhere, very texas!

then a sweet visit with my mom and her beau. took them on a tour of whole foods, pushing her in her walker, so they could see the foods they can buy readymade instead of the fast food they usually eat every day. they loved the ribs, coleslaw, and cinnamon roll pudding! and wally and i overdosed on cerignola black olives.

for mother's day my mom loved the photo albums i made for her which document her life from birth to the present, 200 photos of her 82 years. it was fun to videotape her while she looked at each photo and commented.

i loved port aransas so much, i'm going to rent a place there for a couple of weeks in september. it was so wonderful to be right at a warm beach, unlike my eight years in pacifica, where it's usually freezing. and it's such a laid-back area, shuttles everywhere, no need for a car. it would be fun to rent a bike. such great food, really nice people. i can't wait to go back!

i am so keenly aware that if i had not had cancer, i would not be doing all this traveling. i remain grateful.

5.12.10 - one year from end of chemo

2010-05-12T19:04:00.001-07:00

came home from texas to a fanastic surprise - my photo taken at the reno rodeo was chosen as first place in the Austin Center for Photography contest.

i remember taking this photograph from the back specifically because i wouldn't need a model release if i were ever able to use the photo. and i like the viewer not seeing the faces or knowing the gender of the child.

i had a hard time at that rodeo because i think the rodeo is an extremely cruel and barbaric "sport." it was one of the first events i attended after i moved here, and i only went with hopes of finding some good photos of people or rodeo moments that had nothing to do with the cruel nature of the event. i went with a flickr friend, dana, a really wonderful guy who was a lot of fun to hang out with. that was three months before my cancer diagnosis - it feels like lifetimes ago.

may 1st was one year from the end of my chemo treatments. i've traveled more in this one year than the last few years combined and have had so much fun and explored so much. i really do live day by day now, in the present, and i try not to think about recurrence, although it's in the back of my mind every second because i am trying so hard not to have a recurrence: i exercise an hour a day, eat a very healthy diet (although in texas i do eat southern cooking!), live a very stress-free life, and am very grateful for everything and everyone i love. but what about the errant cancer cells? what about genetics? what if all this is just for nothing and i could be eating potato chips every day (i wish!!)?! all we can do is make sure our lives are well lived, not just sometimes, but every single day. right?

xoxo

4.27.10 - finally organizing 32 years of memories

2010-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!! it took me 5 days, 8 hours/day, to check off the very last item on my list of things i want to do for my sons before i kick the bucket. i organized our 7,000+ family photos into enormous groupings of: just james; just matt; matt and james together; matt with his dad; james with his dad; matt and james with their dad; matt with me; james with me; matt and james with me; all four of us together; all our houses; all our vacation spots; trips to grandma's; trips to grandpa's; photos of friends they grew up with; photos of veronica, their cat for 17 years.

this was something i had postponed for years, such a huge undertaking, but once i was told i had cancer, not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about finally getting these 32 years of memories organized. during the process, some nights i dreamed about being married, being a young mother. amazing time travel.

while i was at it, i compiled two photo albums (200 photos) for my mom for mother's day, which we will spend together in dallas. one photo album documents her 82 years, from birth to the present, including lots of photos of her with all her grandkids. the second photo album consists of 100 photos of her and her beau in the seven years they've been together. i separated the albums because i want her beau to have the album of the two of them together once she makes that transition from life to death. her doctor has signed her up for hospice, although he said it's possible she could live another year. is there anything more powerful than photography to help us feel connected to those we have loved? maybe smell. sometimes i think that's more evocative than photography. but i think they will both love these albums.

i'm leaving for texas tomorrow, and in the morning when matt takes me to the airport, i'll give him his batch of photos for him and molly to enjoy. i've waited a long time to be able to do this.

actually there is one more thing that needs to be done: these photos need to be professionally scanned and digitized for safekeeping. i could leave that to my sons for a list of their own!

i have always loved the simon and garfunkle song "Bookends":

"long ago, it must be
i have a photograph.
preserve your memories,
they're all that's left you."

off to texas! and lots of photography and new memories.

xoxo

4.22.10 - photo in New York Times gallery

2010-04-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

I am so happy that my self-portrait is part of the New York Times' Picture Your Life After Cancer photo gallery. I hope my self-portrait helps spread the word about the importance of early detection of breast cancer through mammogram, and I hope it helps women be less afraid about mastectomy. There are some powerful photos and stories in this gallery.

This is what I wrote next to my self-portrait:

I don't postpone joy anymore.

I'm no longer afraid of driving up steep hills in San Francisco!

I surround myself only with genuine, down-to-earth friends.

I better understand my aging mother.

I adore my new body.

I exercise an hour every day, much more than i used to.

My grown sons and i are closer because of this experience.

Through my blog, i reach out to others with breast cancer, have made amazing friends, and am so grateful that my blog was featured in San Francisco Magazine, April 2009.

I've posted many self-portraits of my mastectomy on Flickr, in an effort to reassure others that it can be a positive, beautiful experience.

4.11.10 - going to texas to take care of my mom

2010-04-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

this is a photo taken of my mom and my two sons and me in 1980, when my mom was 52 and i was 26. i am now 55 and my mom is 81. i never dreamed then that when she got old, she'd be so sick. but she smoked for 50 years, and now the result is that she has lung cancer in addition to dementia. her doctor called me this week to tell me that her tumor has grown to 8cm. there is no treatment available to her except palliative care at this point.

so i've decided to keep my home in nevada but move temporarily to dallas in late june, after my appointment and checkup with my new doctor, and stay as long as she needs me. i'm looking forward to cooking every day for her and wally, her companion whom i love dearly, helping her with her showers and day-to-day activities, making her life more comfortable. i want her to feel unafraid and protected. i'm looking forward to the three-day road trip down to texas, which will be great for photography. and i'm excited about being with scott for an extended period of time. he's my love, and we will have so much fun traveling around texas on the weekends, especially back to caddo. and mom's community has a big swimming pool. i will be able to keep up with my exercise and swim every day--my favorite sport. this is good, because in texas i have an affinity for southern cooking. very dangerous.

i leave for texas april 28th for two weeks with mom and scott, then back to nevada until late june. it's going to be a busy summer! and filled with family that i love. it feels good to be able to help my mom.

here are so many reasons that having had breast cancer was good for me. one of them is that having had cancer, i can anticipate my mom's fears and try to reassure her or at least be able to listen in a way that i don't think i could have without having had cancer.

i'm trying to remember the beliefs of taoism, that life and death are merely two aspects of reality, and death is simply a transformation from being to non-being; from yang to yin. and i'll be grateful when my mom's suffering ends, when she's ready to make that transformation.

4.8.10 - sun and warm air and hiking again

2010-04-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

finally, after a wonderful (but damn long) snowy winter, warm weather is (sometimes) here. before my surgery in november 2008, i was hiking 3 hours/day up steep hills behind my home. last summer, after chemo and radiation treatment, i was able to walk about an hour, but no steep hills. but this spring i feel fantastic and am working up to 3 hours/day again. i have spent the entire winter getting exercise on my rebounder/trampoline, running in place hard, dancing, twisting, stretching an hour/day. i'm totally sick of it! so grateful for warm sunshine, these gorgeous mountains, wonderful clean air, and good health. soon i'll be riding in matt's dune buggy up peavine! and in 20 days, a road trip with scott to corpus, rockport, port aransas at the gulf coast. we'll be staying in a hotel at the tip of port aransas. can't wait for early morning walks on the beach. life is good. very good.

xoxo

4.1.10 - deciding against tumor marker tests

2010-04-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

my original checkup schedule after completing chemo and radiation was to see my main doctor every two months for general checkup, then tumor marker tests every 4 months. recently it was time for my second tumor marker tests and routine checkup. i mentioned this to my patient advocate, who said that she had never heard of anyone, even high-risk patients, having checkups every two months, and she said that tumor marker tests aren't recommended for low-risk patients, and are considered somewhat controversial anyway, and that some doctors never recommend them. i'm considered low risk because i had a very small tumor, there was no node involvement (i.e., supposedly no evidence of the cancer having spread through the lymph nodes), i had a bilateral mastectomy, and had very aggressive treatment (four months of AC/T and two months of radiation).

so i did some research, talked to some doctors and my nurse navigator, and canceled my checkup and tumor marker bloodwork. from now on i will only have regular blood panel workup every six months with general checkup. i have an appointment in june with a new physician.

info about tumor markers

My nurse navigator sent me the ACSO Guidlines on Follow-up Care:

What to Know: ASCO's Guideline on Follow-Up Care for Breast Cancer Recommendations

The purpose of follow-up care for breast cancer is to help maintain good health after treatment, which includes coping with the side effects of treatment, reducing the risk of recurrence (return of the cancer), and watching for signs of recurrence. ASCO's recommendations for breast cancer follow-up care are listed below.

Recommendations for Follow-Up Care for Breast Cancer

Medical history and physical examination:

Visit your doctor every three to six months for the first three years after the first treatment, every six to 12 months for years four and five, and every year thereafter.

Post-treatment mammography:

Schedule a mammogram one year after your first mammogram that led to diagnosis, but no earlier than six months after radiation therapy. Obtain a mammogram every six to 12 months thereafter.

Breast self-examination:

Perform a breast self-examination every month. This procedure is not a substitute for a mammogram.

Pelvic examination:

Continue to visit a gynecologist regularly. Women taking tamoxifen should report any vaginal bleeding to their doctor.

Coordination of care:

About a year after diagnosis, you may continue to visit your oncologist or transfer your care to a primary care doctor. Women receiving hormone therapy should talk with their oncologist about how often to schedule follow-up visits for re-evaluation of their treatment.

Genetic counseling referral:

Tell your doctor if there is a history of cancer in your family. The following risk factors may indicate that breast cancer could run in the family:

Ashkenazi Jewish heritage
Personal or family history of ovarian cancer
Any first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) diagnosed with breast cancer before age 50
Two or more first-degree or second-degree relatives (grandparent, aunt, uncle) diagnosed with breast cancer
Personal or family history of breast cancer in both breasts
History of breast cancer in a male relative

Most breast cancer recurrences are discovered by patients between doctor visits. Tell your doctor if you experience the following symptoms:

New lumps in the breast
Bone pain
Chest pain
Abdominal pain
Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
Persistent headaches
Persistent coughing
Rash on breast
Nipple discharge (liquid coming from the nipple)

The following tests are NOT currently recommended by ASCO for regular follow-up care because they have not been shown to lengthen the life of a person with breast cancer:

A complete blood count (CBC) test and liver and kidney function tests
Chest x-ray
Bone scan
Liver ultrasound
Computed tomography (CT or CAT) scan
Fluorodeoxyglucose-positron-emission tomography (FDG-PET) scan
Breast magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) test
Breast cancer tumor markers, such as CA 15-3, CA 27.29, and carcinoembryonic antigen (CEA).

3.31.10 - dune buggy!

2010-03-31T14:56:00.000-07:00

this is my youngest son's new dune buggy. he made me so happy by selling his motorcycle and both dirt bikes!! i worried constantly about his safety on the bikes. so this is the replacement - it's going to be super fun at black rock desert and on peavine behind our homes. he and his wife will be taking it on long rides on service roads out in the woods. i can't wait to ride in it once the weather warms up! this is something i wouldn't dream of doing before i had cancer. i remain grateful.

3.21.10 - blissed out

2010-03-21T12:53:00.001-07:00

one year ago i was preparing for chemo treatment #6.

now, a year later:

the most amazing impromptu trip to the ocean, to pillar point harbor, to san francicso, to santa cruz, to davis, took over 800 iPhone photos

early, early mornings driving over devil's slide through thick fog to the harbor, talking to the fishermen as they brought in their fresh crabs and prepared to sell them - hot coffee, harbor dogs barking, seagulls everywhere, the sun breaking through

hours and hours at the beach and on the pier in pacifica - i was so blissed out, i could barely breathe. this was my home for 8 years and this was the first time i've been back since right after my surgery and before treatment started. the ocean air, the sounds, the smells, the luxury of time to do anything i wanted - it was so perfect

visiting with my wonderful friends, pizza dinner with jason, long talks and a photo shoot with rachel and her boyfriend, talks with beach joe, and a great drive to santa cruz with my surfer buddy kevin to photograph him. it felt so good to reconnect again.

wandering around and photographing my very favorite cemeteries in colma at sunset - an interesting experience now that i feel so much closer to death

going into san francisco for veggie spring rolls at my favorite vietnamese restaurant - experiencing the shock of a shoot-out on a very busy 16th street and cops coming from everywhere, people scattering everywhere, made me appreciate the quiet of living in nevada

i realized that having breast cancer and treatment has affected me in subtle but meaningful ways. i no longer say no to impromptu opportunities to travel. for some crazy reason, i'm no longer afraid of huge hills in san francisco! i truly appreciate my friends and the places i've loved and gotten to know intimately. and i'm more than ever determined to go back to the ocean and harbor every month until winter comes again. it's only a 3.5-hour drive and i have a free place to stay right at the beach. i feel so incredibly lucky to have my energy and health back, to have such a full live in nevada and also still in pacifica.

and in one month i'll be on a road trip with scott to corpus christie, port aransas, and rockport, texas! we're renting a place on the beach for a few days and getting the lay of the land, looking for areas where he might want to live. an 8-hr road trip from dallas. i can hardly wait! then a week with my mom in dallas.

xoxo

3.15.10 - saying i'm sorry

2010-03-15T18:13:00.001-07:00

after my breast cancer diagnosis in september 2008, i often noticed an older woman smoking cigarettes on her porch, which was near my car. i went through surgery, four months of chemo, two months of radiation, and it seemed like every time i had to go to treatment or come home, there she was, on the porch, puffing away, even in the dead of winter with lots of snow on the ground, and she must have been very cold in her housecoat. i'm a very friendly person to all my neighbors--except this woman. i would never smile when she looked at me. i would look right at her and scowl. sometimes i would cough. the smoke was awful and always in my face near the car and on the stairway up to my apartment. it was disgusting. but it was more than that; i was mad. i didn't smoke and yet here i was going through treatment. she should be going through chemo and radiation, not i!! every time i saw her, i was reminded of my mother, who smoked for 50 years and almost had both legs amputated becase of the blockages. i was reminded of my brother, who smoked packs of cigarettes every day for decades and who now has Stage 4 throat cancer and is undergoing chemo and radiation. and for what? every time i would see this woman smoking, even long after treatment ended, it ruined my attitude.

until yesterday. i saw her walking up to her apartment and i walked up to her. i asked her if she's the woman who smokes on the porch. she said yes. i told her i owed her an apology. i told her why i was never friendly and why her smoking upset me. she said she figured it out after she realized i had lost my long hair. we talked for a very long time, and it was a wonderful conversation. she also moved here from the bay area, and we laughed about what a culture shock reno is. we talked about her smoking. she said she doesn't want to take drugs to keep her from smoking, but i said, well, when you get lung cancer, believe me, you'll be taking drugs. she works nights at a casino, where indoor smoking is part of the culture. what a shame.

it felt good to say i was sorry. it feels good to see her now and call her by name and smile at her. i just wish she would quit smoking.

i'm going to the bay area tomorrow, back to pacifica and san francisco for a few days. it's been a long time since i've been at the ocean and the harbor. this will be the first time since i finished treatment. the snow here has melted and it's in the 60s and spring! time for a road trip.

xoxo

3.13.10 - what goes around...and around

2010-03-13T17:58:00.001-08:00

i was so surprised and so happy to receive the following e-mail. the wheel keeps going full circle. many wonderful people helped me through my cancer experience, and i am so glad my blog is helping others:

"Hi Deborah,

I am just e-mailing you to say... you are amazing! I am a 4th year nursing student, and I am currently doing my last clinical placement at the Ontario Breast Screening Program. Our program provides free mammography to women ages 50+ every 2 years. When I first started here, my instructor gave me loads and loads of material to read relating to breast cancer, and the continuum that a patient undergoes from screening to diagnosis to treatment to survivorship to aftercare. Nothing that she gave me taught me more then when I came across your blog! Many women here in Ontario, Canada will benefit from you sharing your experiences. It has definitely made a difference in how I view my patients, and how I talk to them and provide care. I have shared the link to your blog with all the ladies in the breast screening office. It isn't often that we get to view the patient experience, and their thoughts and feelings throughout their breast cancer journey, so thank you!

Not only are you helping women facing cancer and its treatment, but you are also helping health care providers. I loved reading all your entries, I spent 2 days at clinical reading it while I was working. I laughed and I cried and I didn't get a whole lot of work done haha but it was worth it!

I've also been inspired in my personal life. I had stopped exercising and I started eating junky foods, but after reading your blog i'm ready to get healthy again! It's time to get my life back."

i hope this woman knows how much her e-mail means to me. i replied and have thanked her, but it's just not possible to describe how wonderful her words make me feel, to know that my cancer experience is helping others.

xoxo

3.10.10 - iPhoneography.com - & good neighbors

2010-03-10T08:18:00.001-08:00

glyn evans was kind enough to run a profile about my iphone photography on his iPhoneography.com website: www.iphoneography.com/journal/2010/3/10/the-iphoneography...!

this is a photo of Dave, matt and molly's beautiful red husky. i am Davesitting for two weeks while they are in costa rica celebrating matt's 30th birthday. i haven't lived with a dog since i grew up with our airdale, and it's been quite an experience.

my second night with him, he was outside and i heard the most terrifying sound, like a pack of dogs viciously fighting, and i rushed outside. it was dave howling and crying for help, his body thrashing back and forth. he had pushed so hard on the fence, trying to interact with the dog next door, that his paw went through the slats and was stuck. the slat is less than an inch thick, and he was in severe pain. i tried with all my might to push against the fence to open it up, but i wasn't strong enough. i screamed HELP over and over, while pushing on the fence. the next-door neighbor came outside and was asking me where we were, because it was so dark. he ran up to the fence and started pulling, and then another neighbor jumped the fence and came into the back yard to help. both men finally opened up the fence board. i was expecting dave's paw to be amputed, blood everywhere. but aside from limping for a while, dave was perfectly fine. i, however, was not! i sobbed for hours, was really shaken up by the experience. what if i hadn't been here? what if the neighbors hadn't been here? and what if the neighbors hadn't been the kind people that they are? the next day, our good friend monte came over to reinforce the fence.

so i've been thinking about the importance of neighbors and friends and how in a split second they can make all the difference in the world. and i've been thinking about the helplessness of domesticated animals and how much they need us. it's not all that different, in the long run, from us depending on our neighbors and friends, sometimes when we least expect it.

3.6.10 - what goes around...

2010-03-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

one year ago i was right in the middle of chemo treatment and relying on the friendship of two women who had already been through surgery and chemo to get me through it. we talked almost every day on the phone or sent e-mails to each other. they told me what to expect and how to get through it. thank you, adriene hughes and debbie buckner, with all my heart.

what goes around comes around. in the last few weeks i've received these e-mails:

"Well, I have hit the mother lode since finding your 'Love, Cancer, Etc.' website! I have been so concerned about what to expect, when to expect it, etc. Now I have the reference material I need during this 'interlude' of my life. On Jan. 20, 2010, I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductile Carcinoma in the left breast and lymph node(s). My surgery is scheduled, and afterward, I will have chemo. The oncologist thinks 6 sessions of chemo will do it. I hope so. So, my steps differ a little from yours but none the less, I have to walk down a similar path as you. I now have a site I can go to, click on the symptoms and know what to expect. You will never know how much I appreciate your writing your experiences. This is invaluable information for me and millions who will follow. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences. Wishing you continued good health..."

"I just wanted to acknowledge what an inspiration you've been to me. Early last month, I marked my first year after my BC diagnosis. Ten days later I had my first post-treatment MRI, and was promptly sent in for a biopsy. It turned out to be a new primary in my other breast. I've decided to have a bilateral mastectomy, and I'm 95% certain I won't have any reconstruction. That's due in large part to your example. Back when we were going through rads, I read through your blog, saw some of your photos, and just sat back in awe of your spirit and grace. I now understand that I can be as spirited, sexy and confident as I want to be - with or without breasts.....it's all a matter of what's inside. I hope you are doing well, loving life and making the most of it. I am, I have, and I will continue to do so. Thanks again."

"You have such a wonderful positive, healthy attitude about your experience...I'm truly grateful to you for posting on BCO and also on your blog. Thanks to you, I have an insider's view of what happens during surgery and recovery - and it all seems fine and straightforward. It made my decision-making that much easier."

this fills my heart to know that i can help others the way i was helped by adriene and debbie. i love it when life seems like a big full circle.

xoxo

2.21.10 - love and fun in texas

2010-02-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

10 days in texas with my mom and her beau, with scott and his family that i grew up with from age 6. we packed in more in 10 days than i've done in months!

12 inches of snow in dallas

then sunshine

a fantastic road trip to granbury and glen rose, a big valentine's breakfast with scott's mom and stepdad, evenings by the fire

a full day at the Fossil Rim Wildlife Refuge - gentle giraffe and vicious ostriches!

AMAZING southern food

618 photos with my iPhone (i love it, love it, love it)

hours of laughing with scott (love him, love him, love him)

wonderful moments with my mom and her beau

dinner with my cousin victor, who looks just like my dad and granddad

memorable evening in south lake with scott's mom and sisters and nephews and niece

grateful for good health and energy and people i love

plans to return in april for 2 weeks - a week at caddo lake with scott for his birthday

home to 13 inches of snow in reno and snowshoeing fun!!!

life is good

xoxo

2.8.10 - circular path to making friends

2010-02-08T16:15:00.001-08:00

1.21.09 - went to Look Good, Feel Better, where carrie wolfe, who works at bellissima hair and wig salon in Reno, was a volunteer and taught us how to deal with wigs, scarves, etc.

2.8.10 - the only hair salon that was open today, monday, was bellissima. i had never had my hair cut there before. i made an appointment and recognized carrie when i walked in, but couldn't place her. i was talking to my wonderful hair dresser, taffi, about my photography, and she said that carrie was a photographer and studying photography. carrie and i then talked for about an hour about photography, cameras, websites, etc. - ten years ago, carrie had her second recurrence of stage 4 breast cancer, and that's why she volunteers with Look Good, Feel Better. we instantly clicked, and when i get back from texas we're going to go photographing together.

all this because bellissima was open on monday. very cool.

2.7.10 - 7 months since the end of treatment

2010-02-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

i finished treatment 7 months ago. as far as i'm concerned, that's almost a year!! i have never felt better. my diet is mostly plant-based, i exercise at least half an hour every day, and i'm down to size 4, which is good because in three days i'm going to texas and i definitely see southern cooking on the horizon.

i'm finally at the point where i don't think about cancer anymore and sometimes even forget i ever had it, until someone asks me how i'm feeling, and for a brief moment i wonder why they're asking. i wish people wouldn't ask me. it doesn't feel good to remember, because then i remember there's a possibility of recurrence. but i absolutely love my new body and am so grateful for my new appreciation for living a joyful, simple, meaningful life.

my oldest son was here for five days this past week. i love having my two sons and daughter-in-law together. i gave the iPhone and camera apps a real workout, am completely addicted to hipstamatic and camerabag and the video features. it makes me so happy!

i was telling my son that i only have one thing on my list that i really want to do before i die. all my other dreams have come true, but this one has been hanging over my head for years. we have about 7,000 family photos in boxes! i've been wanting to organize all the photos and make albums for my sons, but it's such a daunting task. my son recommended i have them professionally scanned and put on DVDs and stored online. that will be such an enormous relief! i'll then be able to easily make photo books for them. i did some research and decided on a company in the U.S. that has high marks for reliability and safety. it's going to feel so good to check off this one last wish!! i always remember the simon & garfunkle song "old friends" - "long ago, it must be, i have a photograph. preserve your memories; they're all that's left you."

there have been some changes at renown hospital, and my doctor, who i adore so much, is no longer there. i don't know why. i'm sad. but i also feel so extremely grateful that i was his patient. he is the only reason i felt optimistic about my cancer treatment, and i appreciate his personality, his attentiveness, his incredible medical skills and his professionalism. i miss him already.

so this week i'll leave for texas, for a 10-day visit with my family. scott and i will be taking a weekend road trip. rain is forecast for the visit, and i love texas thunderstorms!

xoxo

1.27.10 - hell has frozen over

2010-01-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

today hell froze over because i went snowshoeing for the first time, and i am NOT an outdoorsy kind of woman in the cold or mountains--only at the beach or at a lake, near air conditioning and hot showers. my dear friend lesley, who is quite an outdoorsy woman in the mountains and lakes and everywhere else, invited me to join her and spend the afternoon showshoeing at mt. rose. all i can say is WOW and OH MY GOD and WHEN CAN WE GO AGAIN. it was SO MUCH FUN!!

lesley and i met a year ago through breastcancer.org and started meeting for breakfasts and lunches once we discovered we live in the same neighborhood. we were going through chemo and radiation at the same time, lost our hair around the same time, spent hours at peg's glorified ham & eggs diner - sometimes grumpy, sometimes happy, and always comforted by each other. lesley has finished treatment and has started five years of arimidex.

we spent hours today at mt. rose in the woods, talking, taking photos, remembering our days of treatment, and speaking that "cancerspeak" language that only people who have gone through cancer treatment share. we talked a lot about how consciously grateful we are for each moment of feeling healthy, about what we might do if we have recurrence, about how our lives have changed in one short year--all for the better. and we laughed a little bit about the boobs we used to have.

i had a deliciously blissful day, and am so grateful to lesley for opening my eyes to the fun of snowshoeing and for reminding me about the importance of friendship.

1.16.10 - kickstarting the new year

2010-01-16T07:55:00.001-08:00

1. one year ago this week was my first AC/T chemo. i still can't use any of the body lotion i used during chemo because of the body memories it evokes. (it's so true, we should use scentless lotion during chemo!) that time of treatment feels light-years ago. i wish i had known then that a year later i'd feel fantastic, energized, happy. but i wouldn't have believed it. i was grumpy and very afraid.

2. one of the many things having cancer has done for me is made me a much more empathetic and compassionate person for others who are suffering in any way, even with a bad headache. having never been sick before my diagnosis, going through chemo opened my eyes in a big way to what feeling lousy is like, what being afraid is like, and i just wish my grandmother were still alive so i could be more of a trooper when listening to her never-ending list of ailments. we regarded her as the world's worst hypochondriac. i think now i would be much more sympathetic. (or maybe i'd say, "oh come on! you've never been through chemo! you don't know what feeling bad is like! buck up, granny!")

3. although i love snow and winter, i'm sick of it now and exceedingly ready for spring. i needed something to kickstart my creativity and get out of the winter doldrums. so i upgraded to an iPhone 3GS because i love the look of the photos and incredible camera apps. i'm now officially addicted to this camera. it feels so good to be excited again about photography and experimentation. tomorrow i'm going on a photo road trip with monte and kim and i'm only bringing the iPhone as my camera. this is in stark contrast to my usual photo road trips where i would bring two holgas, 3 polaroid cameras, a Rebel XT with 6 lenses, and a canon G9 with time-lapse video. i can hardly wait!

4. james will be here on february 1!

5. i leave for texas on february 10 to see my mom and her beau and scott! scott and i are talking about renting a boat and going up the brazos river!

6. this is how i feel about life these days: !!!!!!!

1.7.10 - saying yes to everything good in life

2010-01-07T16:50:00.001-08:00

i received this postcard in the mail today from my son and molly, my daughter-in-law - an invitation to join them in costa rica for matt's 30th birthday! what a surprise! they were married in costa rica in april of 2008, and our family and molly's family were all there. i fell in love with that country - how can you not love a country that has no military and doesn't participate in war?! i loved the people, the language, the deep lush green jungles, the incredible heat, the food, the sloths and monkeys in all the trees, lizards slowly crossing the roads, and the big blue ocean. (well, the flight in the 12-seater puddle jumper in a huge rainstorm from san jose to quepos was scary as hell, but...) what a wonderful surprise that they've invited family and friends to join them.

in the spirit of my new life since cancer, of course i'm saying yes to celebrating matt's birthday; yes to texas to see my sweet little mom and her beau and scott and his family and my cousin victor in january; yes to returning to madison with joseph to explore that beautiful city and spend time with the new friends i've made there; yes to a photo trip with matt to devil's postpile; yes to going to connecticut to see joseph and ricky; yes to visiting new york city with james; yes to renting a house at caddo lake with scott (and inviting our families) this summer; yes to horseback riding and fly fishing with scott in yosemite this summer; yes to gay pride weekend in san francisco with sharon and phyllis; yes to lots (and lots) of photo road trips to davis and pacifica and san francisco and los angeles; yes to going back to paris. yes to the people i love, yes to discovery and travel and making memories, and yes to everything good in life.

1.1.10 - happy new year!

2010-01-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

1.1.10 - i like the look of this decade already! simple, straightforward, clean lines.

one year ago today i was facing chemo and wrote in my journal:

1.1.09 - my new journal for the strangest year of my life - chemo/radiation and then what? chemo starts in 13 days. an entire year stretched out before me and i wonder what it will be like and how i will be after all this treatment - tossed and bashed and slammed by the unknown. is it even remotely possible i can get back to paris, especially with james?

the wheel has turned full circle, treatment ended five months ago; i have had no residual side effects from chemo or radiation; my hair has grown back and i've cut it twice; an entire world of new and meaningful relationships are a part of my life; three longtime unhealthy relationships ended; i'm no longer afraid of needles; my sons quit smoking almost a full year ago; i've traveled to dallas, caddo lake, los angeles, paris with james, and had the experience of a lifetime in madison, wisconsin, with the wonderful people at tomotherapy, inc., shared with joe, my love since we were 19. i have a new devotion to daily exercise, love the rebounder/trampoline! wherever i can, i spread the word about the importance of early detection with mammograms, and i still hear from women who see my self-portraits of the mastectomy and say this has made them feel less afraid. i support three women, almost daily on the phone, who are going through chemo, just like adriene hughes and debbie buckner did for me. in so many ways 2009 has been one of the best years of my life. i can't even imagine how fantastic 2010 will be!

thank you for making my cancer experience soulful and meaningful, and thank you for supporting me in so many, many ways: art levit, debbie stephenson, nancy stephenson, elle stephens, dr. mark moasser, barbara nowak, dr. eric rost, kevin o'malley, tricia luedtke, adriene hughes, debbie buckner, dr. michelle chu, scott bond, armand munteanu, magali duval, fred berlot, dale eastman, brandon lausser, lesley nygaard, scott and michelle graf, bridgett, myla kent, ron dawson, heather champ, jim and dereesa reid, the oncology nurses at renown, fran lauderdale, alex jong, sharon weir, amy allis, gianna gragnani, kevin good (and wonderful surfer buddies!), victor lattimore, gale broadbent, deb o'leary, kim ecclesine, toni fansler, mona routier, kristi hedberg, melinda lightfoot, lynn kneeland-adams, ryan morgan, monte sanford, mike rosebery, paula and gary taylor, jason thompson (and your mom!), randy smith, rachel crowell, julie strudlowsi, my many flickr friends, everyone who has been reading my blog and sharing experiences, and my beloved matt, jimmy, and molly, who fill up my heart and soul every single day (and made chemo worth it).

i'm so grateful.

bonne annee!
happy new year!

xoxo

12.30.09 - brain MRI

2009-12-30T16:30:00.001-08:00

yesterday i had the brain MRI - wow, what a bizarre experience. it's good i like very tiny spaces. now i understand why claustrophobic people can't be in this machine. fortunately, after having had a chest MRI and having been inside the tomotherapy space 36 times, going into a machine doesn't bother me. i was given earplugs, large ear pads were put around my head, and i was inserted into a super snug machine. for about half an hour i heard all kinds of different loud noises--noises like construction work, then beautiful drumming in africa, then some rain, then hammers pounding, then strange birds making popping sounds. it's a great place to have a vivid imagination. but not a good place if you need to cough. then i was taken out of the machine, and the tech tried twice to find a good vein in which to put contrast--memories of chemo. then back into the machine and more birds, construction, drumming, and rain for another half hour, and that was it.

today dr. rost called with the results, teasing me that my brain was physically okay, but maybe not in other ways. haha. so he suggested i visit the otolaryngologist who has been recommended to me and see if the otosclerosis, which i've had for many years, is causing the vertigo. wheeeeeeeee

it's nice to start the new year knowing i don't have a brain tumor. that would have really ticked me off.

xoxo

12.24.09 - merry everything!

2009-12-24T07:59:00.001-08:00

another snow photo - who knew snow could be so sexy!

to you, wherever you are, thank you so much for reading my words this past year and three months, for sharing your feelings with me, for sending me your good wishes and support, for connecting. i wish you a merry EVERYTHING! memorable holidays, healthy food (mmmm, dark chocolate!!), time for introspection and quiet, lots of laughter, and a 2010 that's all about excellent health, good friends, staying close to family, and serving others in any way we can.

much love, xoxoxo

12.22.09 - third follow-up checkup - vertigo

2009-12-22T07:16:00.000-08:00

nevada winter - lots of snow to play in!

yesterday i had my third follow-up visit with dr. rost (in a video here with the co-founder of tomotherapy, thomas rockwell mackie) since treatment ended, including the usual bloodwork. i realized that of all the doctors i've dealt with since sept 2009, he is the only one who doesn't wear a white coat. and he always has the coolest, funkiest ties, which he says sometimes his daughter picks out for him. i love that he's so "real." it was GREAT to see him again and tell him about how welcoming everyone was in madison at tomotherapy, how exciting it was to give the presentation with kevin. dr. rost is "Mr. TomoTherapy" in many circles, was recruited by renown health network in reno to bring tomotherapy here, travels around the world speaking about it, and from everything i heard in madison, is adored by the people at TomoTherapy. and i adore him too. he's made all the difference in my treatment and recovery.

i have had episodes of vertigo off and on for over a year, but now the room spins and spins and spins each time i turn my head when i'm lying down. not my idea of a good night's sleep. dr. rost recommended an MRI with contrast (next tuesday), even though hopefully this is the result of an inner-ear situation - "let's do this right." i felt fine until i started thinking about a possible brain tumor, and then of course i had headaches all night! of course!

when i think seriously about cancer recurring, especially to the brain, my main concern is my mom. my worst fear is that she would feel heartbreak or helplessness or fear. she's 82, with early dementia, and i take care of all of her investments, bills, medical concerns, everything she can't do for herself anymore. she's been living with her wonderful beau for many years and she's very happy. but no one should outlive their children. there just couldn't be any any worse heartbreak that that. i don't want cancer to have that kind of power in my family. i can't help but think of it now as the wolf at the door.

i met with bobbi, nurse navigator extraordinaire and dear friend, and we exchanged gifts and caught up. i'm ecstatic that both she and dr. rost told me that exercising on my rebounder/trampoline is just as good, if not better, than a brisk 30-minute walk every day. what a relief! it's too damn cold to get exercise outside every day! and i love the rebounder. i run in place and twist and bounce and stretch for at least an hour every afternoon. supposedly it's great for the lymph system and circulatory system, plus it's FUN! and aren't we supposed to incorporate fun into our daily lives? absolutely.

12.17.09 - an experience of a lifetime - visiting TomoTherapy Inc.

2009-12-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

I have just returned from Madison, Wisconsin, where I had the experience of a lifetime!! At the generous invitation of the wonderful Kevin O'Malley, Manager of Corporate Communications at TomoTherapy, Inc., in Madison, Wisconsin, I gave a presentation at the TomoTherapy annual meeting about my experience with TomoTherapy radiation during breast cancer treatment in 2009. Kevin found this blog last year and we struck up an e-mail correspondence and communicated for many months. I was so surprised and honored when he invited me to come to Madison!! I also had the amazing experience of meeting
Thomas Rockwell Mackie, cofounder of Tomotherapy, who gave us a tour of the manufacturing facility. To see the evolution of the machine that I had been inside every weekday for over two months was extraordinary.

I also had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with Tricia Luedtke, Dan Marz, Fred Robertson, Del Coufal, and others at TomoTherapy, who made me feel so very, very welcome.

The event was held in a megachurch because there were so many attendees, and several of my photographs documenting my cancer experience were projected onto large screens. Kevin chose these photos to be shown and discussed. Kevin is a fantastic interviewer and made me feel completely at ease. What warmed my heart was the standing ovation that I received--which I know is less about me and really about the story of TomoTherapy and how it is helping save lives. I am indebted to everyone who has anything to do with Tomo, and I will never, ever forget the honor of being able to speak about it and share my photography.

The trip was also unforgettable because I was joined by the love of my life, Joseph Bruha, who flew in from Stamford, CT, to join me. We have loved each other since we first met when we were 19 years old. To be able to share this extraordinary experience with him was a dream come true.

Kevin, I can never thank you enough for your kindness, generosity, warm welcome, and for all the ways you have changed my life because of your invitation to speak to the wonderful people at TomoTherapy.

Other photos documenting my experience can be seen here.

12.14.09 - snow and surprises

2009-12-14T03:22:00.001-08:00

snow, snow, and more snow - and then even more snow. it's been SO much fun to play outside, take photos, swing on the swingset at the playground, play some more, come inside and wrap christmas gifts by the fireplace, watch videos. i love winter. one surprise.

my youngest son and his wife are having christmas for the family at their house this year and putting up their first tree. i have a box of christmas ornaments that my sons have collected since they were two and three years old - and for the first time some of them will be hanging on my son's tree. another very sweet surprise.

and today at 2 p.m. i will be seeing joseph, the love of my life since we were 19. we haven't seen each other in a handful of years, and i have butterflies. we've been on the phone several times these last few days, saying, "can you believe it! we'll be together in x hours!" we'll spend three days together. another wonderful surprise.

exactly a year ago, i was adjusting to my bilateral mastectomy and i was spending almost all of my time reading about chemo and radiation, worried sick about what would happen to my body and my mind (the horror stories about chemo brain). i hadn't yet met dr. moasser at UCSF for the second opinion and final decision about treatment. i hadn't yet mastered cancerspeak, that's for sure. and i had absolutely no idea--and would not have believed it--that 2009 would eventually become one of my happiest and most meaningful years ever. once again, i am thankful for the ways cancer slammed into my life and has helped shape it. that's the biggest surprise of all.

xoxo

11.26.09 - los angeles thanksgiving

2009-11-26T13:32:00.000-08:00

i love waking up at my oldest son's house in los angles. especially after the snowstorm in reno last week, every day here makes me feel like a sleepy cat gravitating to sunshine. palm trees and orange tree in his backyard. i can smell the delicious ocean only a few minutes away. warm, warm air, sunshine, days with my son, cooking delicious food, watching lots of videos together - time feels endless. i could not be happier.

happy thanksgiving

xoxo

11.23.09 - sharing the experience

2009-11-23T14:23:00.000-08:00

i had a wonderful, wonderful surprise today. i've been asked to share my experience with breast cancer and treatment before a group of people who work in the field of cancer treatment. i'm so excited about being able to share my story if it helps even one person, and i'm excited about meeting these wonderful people, flying to a different state and visiting a city i haven't seen before. a year ago i would have never dreamed this would happen!

my hair has been growing out since treatment ended in july, and was super curly and about 3" long. as much as i kept saying i wanted my hair to grow back, it surprised me to realize that i really liked not having to deal with hair--no washing, no drying, no shampoo, super quick showers. so yesterday i shaved my hair to 1" again. it feels great!! in every way i'm discovering that less is more.

11.20.09 - one year from mastectomy

2009-11-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

one year ago today was the bilateral mastectomy. it feels like 50 years have gone by! so many changes, so many emotions.

i love my new body.

we had a fabulous snowstorm yesterday. it was nice to sit by the fire, watch the snow, think about all that's happened this past year. i'm so glad everything has come full circle. from this point on life really does feel like tabula rasa.

i'm leaving for los angeles on tuesday to spend thanksgiving week with my oldest son. but every day is thanksgiving now! thank you, cancer!

11.14.09 - lessons from a blind photographer

2009-11-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

under one of my cancer photos on flickr, a person commented, "I deeply resent the term 'survivor' and 'awareness.'" i wrote back and said i agree completely, that i never consider myself a "survivor" because i never know when or if the cancer will come back. but i do think awareness is important. this began a wonderful exchange of many e-mails. his name is alex de jong, and he has a degenerative disease that has caused him to lose his eyesight, and he remains a photographer. he is also a teacher of buddhism and lives in the netherlands and in paris. he has decided to quit taking chemo. i was deeply moved by this video of alex speaking about his illness, his death, his life, and about flickr.

alex has led me to the author Janwillem van de Wetering, and i am reading two of his books: A Glimpse of Nothingness: Experiences in an American Zen Community and afterzen: Experiences of a Zen Student Out on his Ear.

many things i felt before cancer and everything i have learned from my cancer experience i'm finding echoed in these books: life is a transitory dream; less is more; we live in miracles; we must do our best; we must let go of everything, even ourselves.

soon after my diagnosis in september 2008, i remember reading somewhere that the people who cross our paths as a result of cancer will surprise us by the goodness and intensity of the relationships we will form. that is so very true for me. i could never have imagined the depth of the friendships i now have with many of the people i've met this past year, nor would i have imagined last year how much more i would appreciate and treasure the true friendships and love of family i had before my diagnosis. this coming week will be one year since my bilateral mastectomy. i never dreamed then that i'd be so grateful for cancer. but i am.

11.11.09 - genetic counseling

2009-11-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

yesterday i finally bit the bullet and had a one-hour genetic counseling session. over the years i've gone going back and forth with the decision about genetic testing. some of my docs recommend it, others say it's a crap shoot and not worth the money ($3000, because my insurance company doesn't cover it). last month my GYN recommended i have a prophylactic oopherectomy to try to prevent ovarian cancer, since my chances are increased because i've had breast cancer. but my wonderful patient advocate, elle, advised that without the ovaries, there are serious implications for the heart and bone. she said she would only recommend oopherectomy if i tested positive for the BRCA genes, which would mean my chances of ovarian cancer would be quite high. so i decided to go ahead with genetic counseling to determine if i should have the genetic testing. i was 100% sure the counselor would say yes, since my mother and grandmother both died of breast cancer. but after running my family history information through the Myriad (the lab that holds the patent for genetic testing) formula, my chance of testing positive for the gene is only 7-10%, and for my sons, the chance is 3.5% that they've inheritated a mutated gene.

based on that information, i've decided not to have the genetic testing and not to have the oopherectomy. the results of my ovarian ultrasound (which i had two days ago) should be available soon, and as long as that's fine, i'll keep my eye on my tumor marker results every 4 months and ovarian ultrasound results every 6 months-year.

cancer, you not funny.

am i becoming a weird little old lady? i pretend my father is in my car with me whenever i go anywhere. we have some wonderful conversations. and now i see him in my rocking chair in the living room, usually eating ice cream and watching football. i find great comfort in this. and if it means i'm now a weird little old lady, then oh well.

11.7.09 - one year from the news

2009-11-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

one year ago today i was told by my surgeon that based on my biopsy, i had triple-negative breast cancer and would have to have chemo and radiation after either a lumpectomy or mastectomy. i was told i had "a very aggressive cancer" and she said, "we will have to hit you hard with chemo." i had to decide on a surgery date, and i decided on a bilateral mastectomy.

in this blog i wrote:

"lots of tears this morning. i have TWO WEEKS LEFT to be myself and feel good and have no pain, no schedules, no drains - to have my body intact and be able to do whatever i want, whenever i want, and feel normal. after surgery i will never be the same again, never wake up and feel like myself, feel familiar, to be able to take a shower and make coffee and do exercises and live life the way i do now. i can't believe how the entire way i look will change in two weeks and then during chemo. losing all my long hair. i can't fathom all this. it's completely surreal - everything i know about myself and how i feel in my body is going to be over in only 13 days."

and here it is a year later, i spent saturday afternoon walking in the hills with my youngest son and his dog. my hair is growing back, i've recently returned from paris with my older son, and i feel terrific.

my surgery date was november 20th, and i can feel the date approaching. my body has that memory now. fall in the air, cold nights and mornings, the light changing.

i think back to a year ago today when i got the news, the definite news of the kind of cancer that was inside me, and i can't believe one year has passed. it feels like fifty.

11.2.09 - very bad Transvaginal Ultrasound Day!

2009-11-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

i had a very bad Transvaginal Ultrasound Day! i was supposed to have an ovarian ultrasound as part of my annual GYN checkup. i showed up at renown imaging, waited half an hour in the waiting room while people were hacking up their lungs and probably had swine flu, had to deal with a 100-year-old woman (whose tag said "financial counselor") who did intake and had no idea what her job was or how to use a computer, and then this faux elvis presley guy who looked like he belonged either at a gas station or a casino came to get me and said he was giving me the ultrasound. oh, i think not. i canceled the appt. WTF. i called my GYN to ask why in the holy hell she sent me to a place where they give you men for ultrasounds--no, not just ultrasounds, TRANSVAGINAL GODDAMNED ULTRASOUNDS--and her nurse said they have "no control over that." my ass. so i called to reschedule and said i wanted a female to do this procedure and the guy said he'd put down that i "prefer" a female. no, i do not "prefer" a female. i demand a female. i called bobbi, my nurse navigator, and she was my life saver, once again. i go again on monday and bobbi has made sure i get a female. seriously, except for dr. rost and bobbi and the oncology nurses and my surgeon, i absolutely despise so-called healthcare in reno. it has been one big joke to another from the minute i was diagnosed. this place is giving me more cancer. i can feel it. stress from dealing with idiots.

11.1.09 - Paris

2009-11-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

paris photos

dream list:

go back to paris with james - check
be open to the unexpected - check
walk for hours every day until i drop - check
take thousands of photos - check
spend memorable time with mona and magali and frederique - check
eat incredibly delicious food, especially thai and vietnamese - check
meet lots of interesting people - check
speak french for hours at a time - check
have the trip of a lifetime - check

we had an incredible surprise when we arrived at our hotel. kevin o'malley and his co-worker tricia luedtke, who work at tomotherapy, the company that made the radiation machine that i used and wrote about on this blog, and who have followed my blog for a long time and we have e-mailed off and on, paid for our first night at the hotel in paris. i could not have been more surprised. kevin and tricia - THANK YOU!

now i'm home and exhausted. i wasn't really strong enough yet for all the walking i did every day. thank goodness for the terrific bus system in paris. i'd get on at 8 a.m. and hop on and off all day while i explored. my entire body is completely sore, even my ribs, and of course in the back of my mind i think it's the return of cancer. i've learned to accept the ghost.

being with james in paris again was, of course, wonderful. the last time we were in paris together was 2001. since then i kept postponing going back until our schedules would mesh, and they never did - until cancer. this is something i've learned from cancer - don't postpone joy. just don't.

10.19.09 - bonjour, Paris!

2009-10-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

with my youngest son matt, who held my hand when each chemo started, who was my wonderful support throughout the entire breast cancer experience.

it's been one year this month since the mammograms, the MRI, the biopsy, and the reality of cancer. and tomorrow morning i'll be meeting my oldest son in paris! a year ago i could never have imagined what was ahead of me, not only the difficult times, but especially the way cancer would change my life for the better. i feel terrific, have a new crop of hair, and i could not be happier. la vie est belle!

10.3.09 - one year since "you have a small cancer"

2009-10-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

one year ago today i had my follow-up mammogram and ultrasound and was told, "you have a small cancer." how could that have been only one year ago? it feels like another lifetime.

i love this sign at a fortune teller's house. i think before i go to paris i might knock on the door and have my fortune told. nothing would surprise me anymore!

9/29/09 - end of summer

2009-09-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

summer in nevada lasts a long time and is just now turning into fall. i spent a wonderful saturday at the farm, watching the last rows of corn being harvested, picking the last batch of tomatoes and memorizing the intoxicating smell of hundreds of tomato plants five feet high, in tight rows. this week a cold front is on its way with temperatures in the 30s at night. i'm looking forward to another season to enjoy mornings and evenings by my fireplace and watching snow from my beautiful view of the mountains. last year the first snow was on october 10, the day my oldest son turned 30 and one week after i was told i had cancer.

last sunday was spent in the middle of nowhere, in the desert, with matt and molly for matt's 46-mile dirt bike race, the mother chukar 100. watching the racers begin the race, plunging into a dust storm where they can't see anything, not knowing what to expect, holding on tight, using all their skills, and hoping for the best - that reminded me of my cancer experience. and what a wild ride that was.

it's been a fantastic summer - ended treatment in july and have enjoyed every single day since. and only 21 days till paris!!

9.18.09 - one year since "the letter"

2009-09-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

one year ago. the dreaded letter.

i remember sitting in my car, reading my mail. opened this letter, read it. my heart was racing and it felt like an out-of-body experience, going through the motions of putting the mail down, starting up the car, continuing with life, buying groceries to cook dinner with matt and molly, and a feeling like i was levitating, not really in my body anymore. i remember i e-mailed four friends immediately from my blackberry. wrote in my journal that night, which is how this blog begins. i didn't tell my children for a few more weeks, until after my biopsy.

when i was going through chemo, i never thought i'd feel this, but i do feel privileged to have been able to see what it's like to deal with cancer and be part of the hospital/medical/cancer machine. it's made me much more compassionate, patient, appreciative, and aware. a year ago i took so much for granted. i really needed this wakeup call.

9.12.09 - one year since the very last mammogram, ever, ever, ever

2009-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

this blog has come full circle. one year ago today i had my last mammogram. i remember that i had a sore spot almost in the center of my chest that i had mentioned to my GYN the day before. she couldn't feel a lump and said, "i'm sure you're fine." i had no real concerns the day of my mammogram, although i do remember that i purposely didn't mention the sore spot. that's how terrified i was of breast cancer. since finding out that my birth mother and her mother had died of breast cancer, i was just waiting for it to happen to me. i remember i had written a poem about my birth mother years ago and had written "my cancer waits inside you." i had a bone density test right after my mammogram, and then i got dressed and left quickly. i didn't check in with the radiologist about the mammogram, but i remember thinking i should. looking back, i realize i didn't want to know.

yesterday and this morning i was at the great reno balloon races at 5 a.m. thousands of people and hundreds of balloons. glorious colors and such great joy in the crowds, such a magnificent thrill when all the balloons are filled at the same time and take off into the sky. i'd much rather be doing this than going for a mammogram. and i'm so very happy i don't have to, ever again.

8.30.09 - NV state fair - a perfectly fun summer

2009-08-30T15:29:00.001-07:00

this morning my my dear friend sharon and i went to the nevada state fair. she's crazy for chickens and i'm crazy for ferris wheels photographed with the holga. i was so happy to take my new holga with polaroid back and try it out on a ferris wheel! it uses peel-apart 100 film. my dear friend randy smith, who owns holgamods.com, made this camera for me. it was a sunny, hot, perfect nevada day and so much fun to watch so many people enjoying themselves. i took lots of photos of the fair today and also yesterday at lattin farms in fallon, where i go every weekend to buy the most delicious tomatoes, watermelon, corn, honey dew melons, cantaloupe, and onions.

it's been a great summer filled with travel, family, beloved friends - my heart spilling over with gratitude for my new appreciation for life after cancer.

8.26.09 - bumping into cancer memories

2009-08-26T20:43:00.001-07:00

i wrote a version of this to my friend armand today and then felt it has a home on this blog. i wonder how many of you have felt this way about bumping into cancer memories. please let me know.

at the grocery store today i saw a woman that i recognized but couldn't place her, and then she saw me and smiled and i saw her husband and OH MY GOD. from the radiation waiting room. two months of seeing each other almost every day. her husband has a brain tumor and lung cancer, and she and i used to talk and talk and talk while he was having radiation and i was waiting my turn. her husband starts chemo tomorrow, asked me for advice about how much water to drink, pain meds to take. it felt just so strange to have answers and to even know about chemo. it felt like i was speaking a foreign language that suddenly i remembered perfectly. and when they left, i sobbed and sobbed all the way home. my body just took over and shut down my brain. i had forgotten what it felt like back in that waiting room. i had forgotten just everything about what it was really like to be inside cancer treatment. i have tried to put all that behind me, and it's jarring when i bump into those feelings again. deep down i'm terrified of recurrence and going back to that life. it's just so normal now not to think about cancer at all and to just be alive and even allow myself to have "normal" feelings--like sometimes being pissed off at little things, instead of being serious about big things - like surviving.

it's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't gone through cancer treatment how it feels when you talk to someone else who has gone through it--the shortcut through the bullshit, the immediate understanding of what matters. all of us in the radiation waiting room and chemo rooms are strangers to each other, basically. but then months later, we can meet in a grocery store and STILL pour our hearts out to each other. i don't even know this couple's last name and they don't know mine. but we can talk about the most intimate details of our bodies without any hesitation. because it's a connection that skirts smalltalk and chitchat and pleasantries. it's like my conversations now with dr. rost when i have my follow-up checkups. although we do joke around about some things because, hallelujah, he's playful and wonderful, quickly the conversation becomes very serious about recurrence and what to watch for, what to feel for, what to be aware of. the seriousness in that room with dr. rost and even in the grocery store with fellow radiation waiting-room compadres is a seriousness i have to live with from now on. it takes me to a place that's so deep and so real, it's sometimes frightening. but if i didn't have it, then i wouldn't appreciate my new post-cancer life the way i do.

this photo is of a beautiful cabbage leaf i found on the ground at lattin farms in fallon, NV, an organic farm where you can pick the most delicious veggies and herbs and beautiful flowers. it's true, you SWOON when you taste their corn and tomatoes and watermelon. i do. on a regular basis. more photos of a recent visit to the farm here.

suddenly i have been hearing from long-lost friends and lovers. this summer i have gotten phone calls and e-mails that have reconnected me back to my past. very nice.

how i'm spending my summer: joined a french-speaking group that meets once a month! lots of trips to lattin farms to pick organic veggies! exercising every day (well, almost every day)! discovered two exquisite local thai restaurants! Upped my vitamin D to 2000iu/day (wheeee)! going to the state fair! enjoying my new camera that's a holga with polaroid back! of course seeing matt and molly quite often! almost back to 105 lbs again and feeling great!

and looking ahead: 29 days until i go back to pacifica to spend a week at the ocean (i will spend my 55th birthday night falling asleep to the sound of the ocean). 48 days until my oldest son and i arrive in paris for two weeks! and in the winter - back to caddo, back to texas and louisiana, i hope a visit to seattle and portland.

i hope you are having a very summery summer -

xoxox

8.7.09 - first follow-up since treatment ended

2009-08-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

today i had my first follow-up appointment with dr. rost since my treatment ended one month ago. i was dreading going back through those hospital doors again, but instead, it felt completely familiar and it was great to see brandon and pauline and some of the nurses again, and of course to see dr. rost, who has completely won my heart. i did have a catch in my throat while in the waiting room and watching patients who were going through treatment, who were bald, who had that look on their face that i know so well, like being in the belly of a never-ending whirlwind of emotions.

dr. rost and i talked about how and where to check for recurrence; about the pros and cons of genetic testing (i've decided against it); about the pros and cons of an oopherectomy because of increased chance of ovarian cancer (i'm 99% sure i want the oopherectomy, but will meet with my GYN next month to discuss it); and talked about what we've been doing this summer. i'm so grateful for dr. rost. it makes all the difference in the world to have a doctor i trust and enjoy.

right after our meeting, i went to the lab for bloodwork - complete blood panel and tumor markers - 8 vials of blood (unnerving). will get the results on wednesday.

i'll be going back to dr. rost and the lab every two months.

this last month since treatment was been WONDERFUL: a long visit with my oldest son, many get-togethers with my youngest son and molly, a vacation at caddo lake in texas with scott, a visit with my mom and her beau in dallas, weekend trips to davis, some road trips around reno, lunches with friends, enjoying delicious summer vegetables and farmers' markets, taking umpteen rolls of holga film and polaroid film, having fun with a fisheye lens on my digital canon G9. my hair is growing back and i'm going to keep it super short.

i've decided to take one week a month and have as much fun as possible for the rest of my life! next month i'm spending a week at the ocean in pacifica and san francisco. it will be nice to be "home" again--back at the beach and ocean where i lived for 8 years, back to the wooden boat harbor, photographing my surfer buddies again!

in 70 days, i'll be in PARIS! i'm hoping my oldest son can join me for a two-week visit, where i'll be seeing french friends and walking for hours and hours every day, taking lots of photos with a new modified holga (holga with polaroid back) from my dear friend randy smith at holgamods.com, who recently named a holga after me. it's called the Lattimore - unmodified because i like a simple camera where all i have to think about is composition and light (and also because i keep forgetting if the pin goes in or out on my other holgas and it drives me nuts).

in the works this fall and winter are vacations with scott and/or my sons and molly to yosemite, mexico, NYC, los angeles, death valley, and paris again in 2010 for at least a month. it feels good to be dreaming in french again.

the cancer experience feels far behind me, but not a day goes by that i don't think about all the friends i made during that time and how grateful i am to all of you for your support and kindness.

xoxoxox

7.5.09 - radiation #33 of 33 - boost #8 of 8 - ALL DONE!!

2009-07-06T16:09:00.001-07:00

rereading my journal. on january 10, 2009, the day before chemo started, i wrote:

"saying goodbye to so many things for such a long time. i'm scared and it's all so surreal. life really will change tomorrow, much more than after my surgery. much, much more. am i naive to think i won't let this treatment get me down? am i defenseless against it? so hard to imagine all this. i hate not knowing how my body will be in four months after chemo and then three months later after radiation. i have a determination to not let it attack me and take my life away. i hope i can be strong. after treatment i'm going to travel and take photos again. free time. is there such a thing as free time?"

and today i am finished with treatment, on the other side of all those questions and fears seven months ago. and, yes, chemo did certainly get me down and kept me down for quite a while. but i was lucky that all the side effects went away very soon, and radiation has been a breeze. i feel just as energetic as i did before treatment. in 9 days i'll be on a plane to texas, in 67 days i'll be at the ocean again for a week, and in 106 days on a plane to paris.

i can't believe it's over! i think of all the people i've met since my diagnosis who i would never, ever have met otherwise - it feels like an entire lifetime has passed in ten months and i'm starting all over again, with a new set of friends, a new set of eyes, definitely a new body, and a very new awareness about living.

thank you for interacting with me all these months, for supporting me and encouraging me, for making me laugh, for being there. you've been such an enormous part of my healing, and i am so grateful we have made a connection. i want to keep writing when things come up about love, cancer, etc., as i slide into this new life, and definitely when i have follow-up visits with my doctor. i celebrated today with bobbi gillis, my nurse navigator who has been by my side every single day since we met in november, and will celebrate with my family, and later tonight i'll go out on my porch and rock in my rocking chair and watch the mountains grow dark and say "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over again to everyone who's helped me get to this wonderful end of treatment.

xoxxoxoxo

7.4.09 - goodbye cancer! hello paris!

2009-07-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

my first trip to paris was when i was 18 and went with my father. i had been speaking french since i was 10, was fluent, and loved everything french. i decided to major in french and secondary education in college, and spent my junior year studying in paris, where i met my ex-husband in grammar class when i was 21 and fell in love. in 2003, my oldest son and i spent a week in paris together, and every year since then i've wanted to go back, but something always came up. i have learned from this cancer experience not to postpone happiness.

so today i used some of my frequent flyer miles and booked a flight to paris and reserved a hotel room at Hotel Jeanne d'Arc, which is my very favorite part of paris, the marais. i'll be there for two weeks in october, and my oldest son hopefully will be able to join me. i have french friends that i'll be so happy to see again. and i can hardly wait to speak french again all day and hear it all around me.

this photo is of the building i lived in when i went to college in paris in 1975. i took the photo in 2003 when james and i visited. 5, rue philibert delorme, in the 17th arrondisement.

i never dreamed last september, when i heard "you have a small cancer" that the following july i'd be happy, energetic, healthy, and planning my trip to paris.

la vie est belle!

7.2.09 - radiation #32 of 33 - boost #6 of 7

2009-07-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

ONE MORE TREATMENT LEFT. i've been waiting a long time to say that! monday will be my true independence day, because the rad department will be closed tomorrow.

the photo above shows how radiation has affected my body. the radiated area is much darker because it is very, very red (and itchy as hell). but other than that, no skin issues. the mastectomy was a little over 7 months ago, and the scars have healed beautifully. i love my new body and especially love not wearing a bra, which i always thought was the most bizarre invention on earth. so, thank you, cancer! haha

brought in blueberries and thank-you cards to the techs and dr. rost today, and a CD of some of my very favorite music for dr. rost, because we joke about the god-awful music in the radiation room. imagine, just when you think it can't get any worse, not only are you going through 33 treatments of radiation, but you keep hearing the looped CD with ABBA on it.

people ask me what i'm going to do after treatment. i keep thinking about the article below, which i find very comforting. for the rest of 2009 and all of 2010, i'm going to travel as much as possible every month and not have a plan at all, about anything. i'm going to recover from this intense cancer experience. i'm going to "simply be" and connect with my priorities "in a very organic, unforced way."

Permission To Simply Be

The elation we feel when we have learned an important lesson, achieved a goal, or had a big breakthrough can sometimes be met with a period of downtime afterward. During this period of transition, we may feel unsure and not know where to turn next. Many people, during the pause between achievements, begin to wonder what their life is about. These feelings are common and strike everyone from time to time. Human beings are active creatures—we feel best when we are working on a project or vigorously pursuing a goal. But there is nothing inherently wrong with spending a day, a week, or even a month simply existing and not having a plan. Just be. It won’t be long before you embark upon your next voyage of growth and discovery.

The quiet lull into we which we fall between ideas, projects, and goals can make life seem empty. After accomplishing one objective, you may want to move immediately on to the next. However, when your next step is unclear, you may feel frustrated, disconnected, or even a mild depression. You may even perceive your lack of forward momentum as an indicator of imminent stagnation. To calm these distressing thoughts, try to accept that if your intent is personal growth, you will continue to grow as an individual whether striving for a specific objective or not. Spending time immersed in life’s rigors and pleasures can be a cathartic experience that gives you the time you need to think about what you have recently gone through and leisurely contemplate what you wish to do next. You may also find that in simply being and going through the motions of everyday life, you reconnect with your priorities in a very organic, unforced way.

The mindful transitional pause can take many forms. For some, it can be a period of reflection that helps them understand how their life has unfolded. For others, it can be a period of adjustment, where new values based on recent changes are integrated into daily life. Just because you’re not headed swiftly to a final destination doesn’t mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that will soon be revealed to you.

--dailyom.com

7.1.09 - technical difficulties

2009-07-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

dana jennings, who has been writing a blog in the new york times about his prostate cancer experience, has posted a very moving article about Losing a Comforting Ritual: Treatment, which expresses exactly how i'm feeling. i'm glad treatment is almost over, but it's going to be such an adjustment to live without it.

today i got a taste of what dana is talking about, because i couldn't go to radiation because the machine was down for the day. it felt very odd at 1:30 not to leave for the hospital. suddenly it really felt like summer! a whole day of free time! i imagined this feeling for the rest of summer and all winter and all next year and beyond. i think i'm going to like it.

6.30.09 - radiation #31 of 33 - boost #5 of 7

2009-06-30T16:34:00.001-07:00

only two more treatments and that's it!!!!!!!!!

my dear friend gail in austin was chosen to be part of the national campaign sponsored by Nike and Live Strong for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. this is gail's website and the commercial on her june 29th entry. congratulations, gail, for being part of this! gail is known all over the country because of the two eclectic and fantastic stores she owns in downtown austin, and she's definitely part of the "austin scene." gail and i "met" through our blogs, and i hope to finally meet her face to face this fall when scott and i make another texas road trip down to san antonio and down to mexico.

today i had my final treatment meeting with dr. rost. we discussed the possibility of him being my follow-up physician, because i trust him so much and love being his patient, and also so that i don't have to return to my village idiot medical oncologists here in reno. so that's our plan. i'll see dr. rost a month from now and then every three months for the next year. if any of the tests indicate a problem, then dr. rost and i will consult with dr. moasser at UCSF, the medical oncologist i had for my second opinion. i also trust dr. moasser wholeheartedly.

i really feel terrific, even after all this radiation. i have lots of energy and i've lost most of the weight from chemo. by the time i go to dallas in two weeks, i'll be down to 105 again, easily (if i can stay away from the skinny cow ice cream!). i have no skin issues to speak of. the whole radiated area is very red and itchy. i apply aquaphor right after treatment and also before bed, and aloe vera gel during the day for itching. all in all, radiation is a breeze, and i'm very grateful for tomotherapy.

6.29.09 - radiation #30 of 33 - boost #4 of 7

2009-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

#30!

my very last monday to have radiation.

my very last monday to have breast cancer treatment, ever???

i was cleaning out my car and found two Google maps i had printed out - one to the medical office where i had last year's annual mammogram, and one to the medical office where i had my MRI to confirm the bad news on the mammogram. the maps are 9 months old. i looked at my handwriting on the maps and felt so sad for the person i was when i wrote on those maps--when i had no idea, could never possibly imagine what was ahead. i can't bring myself to throw them away; i put them in last year's journal.

6.26.09 - radiation #29 of 33 - boost #3 of 7

2009-06-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

radiation #29. my last friday of radiation. down to the finish line! next week, four more boosts and that's it.

thinking back to last september after hearing "you have a small cancer" and then "we're going to hit you hard with chemo" and being surrounded in my living room by every book i could find about cancer and chemo and radiation, the hours and hours and hours i spent reading and researching online, the hours of talking on the phone with women who were having treatment or had finished treatment, the extreme fear i had that after treatment i would not be the same person, that i was handing over my health and all my energy to be ruined completely, that i'd end up with terrible side effects from chemo brain, which some of the women i met were still struggling with even four years after treatment. and here i am at the other end and none of those things happened. i never did experience chemo brain during treatment, i have not lost my health or my energy--if anything, i'll soon be in better shape than i was before my diagnosis, especially where exercise is concerned. i always had a healthy vegetarian diet, but i never exercised every single day.

whenever i think, "oh, i'll exercise twice as much tomorrow," i remember being "in the chair," as the oncology nurses call it, in the chemo room, and i can suddenly smell the alcohol swab on my arm and i can see that huge syringe with adriamycin, and i remember how afraid i was, and how i really needed to hold matt's hand--and he was always there. well, that gets me up and out the door for exercise. i think at least 45-60 minutes of brisk walking every day is worth avoiding 7 hours of taxol every two weeks for two months. every day i had radiation, it took about an hour--driving to the hospital, treatment, driving home--and never disrupted my work schedule. that hour i devoted to radiation for over a month, i can easily devote to exercise. & i hope by september i'll be hiking the steep hills near my home for two hours/day like i was last october and november, before my mastectomy. i need to build up my stamina for our trip to paris - i want to be able to walk at least 7 hours/day!!

6.25.09 - radiation #28 - boost #2 of 7

2009-06-25T18:35:00.001-07:00

my friend debbie buckner in north carolina sent me this card! i showed it to dr. rost and the techs. thanks, debbie, for always making me laugh. i think often about the fact that if i had not had cancer, i would not have met debbie. i had seen the powerful photos of debbie on flickr taken by my friend kristi hedberg, and i remember feeling so sad that this young woman had cancer. when i announced on flickr that i had cancer, kristi gave me debbie's phone number, said we had a lot in common. little did i know i was about to make a lifelong friend and one who would be there for me every day through my ordeal. she prepared me for everything that could possibly happen, she was there for me when i was afraid and crying, and she made me laugh all through my four difficult months of chemo. when i think back on my experience, i always think of debbie.

had boost #2 today - only 5 more to go!!!!!!

6.24.09 - radiation #27 - boost #1 of 7

2009-06-24T15:11:00.001-07:00

quel surprise! today i had my first boost radiation out of 7. 14 grays per boost. a total of 65 grays for my entire treatment. the boost took 3.5 minutes - same tomotherapy machine, same everything. a boost means that the radiation is concentrated on specifically the tumor area rather than the entire right breast area. i'm still not feeling any fatigue that i had been warned about. i have lots of energy and feel terrific.

so. six more treatments. dr. rost asked me today how i feel about ending treatment. the only thing i'm going to miss about treatment is seeing the friendly staff and especially dr. rost, who always makes me smile. i'm so glad he's going to be my follow-up doctor from now on. i told him that it's unnerving to end treatment because i feel fatalistic about recurrence, without anything actively killing the cancer cells every day. i feel like once treatment stops, the cancer will start growing again, like it did with my mother and grandmother--cancer spread to the bone. he said "we'll be watching closely."

Tricia Luedtke at TomoTherapy wrote to me today and said, "Treat yourself to some daily indulgences, however big or small." that's a great philosophy to end treatment with.

6.23.09 - radiation #26 - Radiation & New York Times

2009-06-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

radiation #26

Dana Jennings has been writing a wonderful blog about his experience with prostate cancer in the New York Times. Today he wrote about his experience with TomoTherapy. If you scroll down after reading the article, you will see my comment.

Also in the NYT today, Tell Us Your Radiation Story. I joined others in writing about my experience.

If you had or are having radiation, I hope you'll add to the comments.

I am reading Journal: A Mother and Daughter's Recovery from Breast Cancer by Lynn Redgrave and her daughter Annabel Clark. All I can say is - MEMORABLE, REMARKABLE. Lynn's words and Annabel's photography take my breath away and remind me vividly of what my mastectomy and recovery experience was like. it seems like it was years ago, but it's only been 7 months.

6.22.09 - radiation #25

2009-06-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

radiation #25 - only 10 more to go!!!

i'm so used to driving the 15 minutes to the hospital every day, i ended up there this weekend when i was going to the farmers' market - without thinking, just took the turn to the hospital. i really need my upcoming vacation!

6.19.09 - radiation #24

2009-06-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

this is a photo of me (with hair!!) with scott last summer at caddo lake, in big pine lodge, a landmark restaurant in uncertain, texas, that has been a favorite of thousands of people all over the area for decades. incredible southern cooking. it burned to the ground a couple of weeks ago - heartbreaking. i'm so glad we have photos of our wonderful times there. two years ago we took my mom and her beau to caddo and had fantastic meals there--and we took lots of photos. we'll be at caddo again in only 27 days!

remember that simon & garfunkel song, titled "old friends"? "long ago, it must be, i have a photograph. preserve your memories. they're all that's left you."

i had lunch today with my sweet daughter-in-law!

today in the waiting room:

a family with two little girls about 10 years old. one of the girls was upset because the blue fish in the aquarium had died and was gone. you can imagine the mood in the waiting room. i know every one of us in that room has been thinking about our own death ever since the shock of our diagnosis. poor blue fish.

6.18.09 - radiation #23

2009-06-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

radiation #23

one of the techs kept telling me i look just like her daughter-in-law, and she brought in photos. we do look very, very much alike. since i'm adopted, these kinds of resemblances intrigue me. she told me that her daughter-in-law's father was adopted, and they're in dallas, where i grew up. i know my birth mother gave away another daughter before i was born. what are the odds we could be related in some way??

in the waiting room today:

patricia, whose husband has brain and lung cancer, and who often holds a rosary, said she hasn't had a mammogram in years, even though her aunt and cousin had breast cancer and mastectomies. you know i was all over that. she said her husband was having trouble with his eyesight, and the eye doctor didn't detect his problem. later it was discovered that he had a brain tumor behind the eye and also in the lungs. he has lost the eyesight in one eye. she and her husband moved here 4 years ago from san jose. together we lamented the lack of decent restaurants here, especially vietnamese and thai. but we applauded the complete lack of stress compared to the bay area, and the miraculous free parking everywhere. her mother and daughter and grandchild are still in san jose and she's very lonesome for them. i know that feeling--i felt that way until i moved here to live near matt. now i miss one son all the time instead of two. patricia and i discovered we live near each other, and she lives in the same neighborhood as lesley. so we plan to meet for walks and coffee.

hula hooping is fun! and an amazing cardio workout.

6.17.09 - radiation #22

2009-06-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

radiation #22

the tomotherapy machine went down today and they were running about 45 minutes late. grouchiness in the waiting room.

the photo above is of my friend lesley aka tori (what she's named her blonde wig!). lesley and i "met" on breastcancer.org and discovered that we live less than a mile from each other. we've been meeting for lunch for quite a few months now. lesley is 40 and is going through the same breast cancer treatment that i had--AC/T, radiation, bilateral mastectomy. a year ago lesley found a lump in her breast, but thought it was part of the scar tissue from her implant. fast-forward to a year later when the lump was bigger and became painful, and she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer which spread to her lymph nodes. she's now a very vocal advocate for paying attention to lumps and not waiting to have them checked out. it's so wonderful to spend hours over lunch with lesley every few weeks, to talk about our treatment, about our lives, about death, about everything. i am so grateful for breastcancer.org, where i have met so many wonderful women, especially lesley.

6.16.09 - radiation #21

2009-06-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

radiation #21

met with dr. rost today and he said i'll be able to finish up the 35 treatments, even with my skin condition, and he's going to give me 8 boosts instead of 7. had a very interesting discussion with him about the future of radiation/chemo treatments and how much more effective it will be to have both treatments at the same time rather than sequentially--with easier dosing of both for the patient. he told me that he thinks cancer is very straightforward and as a doctor he has to "think like cancer."

it makes a world of difference to finally have a doctor i like and trust. i leave radiation feeling really great. when i left my medical oncologist's office, i always felt angry, disgusted, vulnerable, and afraid for my health.

one month from today, scott and i will be arriving at caddo lake! we're going to take a nighttime gator tour. i can hardly wait to sweat in that east texas heat, eat southern fried catfish, jalapeno hushpuppies, coleslaw, and drink freezing cold Coke, be back on the water swatting mosquitos, and spend time with scott. here we are, 55 and 54 years old, and have known each other since we were 6. a good life story.

6.15.09 - radiation #20

2009-06-15T16:54:00.001-07:00

radiation #20

good news: i'm losing weight finally! too much skinny cow ice cream during chemo!! my goal is back down to 102-105. hula hooping is the answer! :) and lots of organic summer fruit--blueberries, peaches, watermelon, strawberries. mmmmmm.

bad news: my skin is a terrible mess because of radiation. i have hundred of bumps on the radiated area, lots of little scabbed areas, it itches like crazy, and it seems like suddenly i have thousands of new freckles on the radiated area.

i'm reading Life List, by Olivia Gentile, a fascinating biography about Phoebe Snetsinger, who was diagnosed with melanoma and given six months to live, and then started living her dreams. i like the title - Life List.

6.12.09 - radiation #19 - not finishing early

2009-06-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

radiation #19 today and a simulation to prepare for the last seven days of boosts. dr. rost told me that after doing all the calculations, i can't have radiation + boost simultaneously because the tumor area is so close to the chest wall. he explained it in detail, and the bottom line is, i'm back to finishing in very early july.

i had lunch and a wonderful visit with matt today. he's leaving for london tomorrow on business!

in the waiting room today:

- a man with lung and brain cancer, whose wife and daughter were with him, both holding rosaries. the wife told me she hasn't had a mammogram in several years. after we talked a while, she said she's motivated to get one. one look at my sort of bald head and flat chest should be motivation enough. i would think walking past the chemo room to the radiation area really should do it.

- a woman in her sixties who had breast cancer which spread to five of her lymph nodes and she had 18 nodes removed. she has terrible lymphedema in her left arm. she had four chemo treatments and is having 35 radiation treatments. she drives up from tahoe evey day for radiation. she is very upset that her surgeon didn't consult her about leaving a flap for reconstruction on her side. she didn't want reconstruction or a flap and she told her surgeon that, but the surgeon did it anyway in case she "changes her mind" about reconstruction. can you imagine?? i told her about dr. buchwald asking me if i was sure, that "you never know when the right man will come along and you'll want two bumps." i will never forget that idiotic statement. it was fun to tell buchwald that is NEVER going to happen since i'm gay, and by the way, is she nuts?? i never went back to her after that.

- a very young man who is tall and gaunt, whose pants are loose and he kept pulling them up and tightening his belt, whose long hair is falling out. he walks partially bent over. i watched him working on a puzzle at the table and felt very tender toward him. he's probably the same age as my sons.

6.11.09 - radiation #18, a good tomotherapy surprise, and fear of ending treatment

2009-06-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

radiation #18

i thought i was halfway through, but i'm actually three-fourths of the way through! i will be finished with radiation in two weeks! i was originally scheduled to have 28 regular radiation doses and 7 boosts, but dr. rost said that it's safe with tomotherapy to combine regular radiation with the boosts and finish a week early in order to avoid skin issues. i'm starting to get lots of bumps and up near my clavicle, which itch like crazy. i asked kevin (who sent the e-mail yesterday, who works at tomotherapy) if this is standard procedure, and he asked a co-worker (thank you, kevin!!) who is an expert, who sent this info:

“This will be a boost simultaneously with the main treatment, instead of having the main treatment then 7 more days of radiation to a smaller boost area. This is commonly done with Tomo and the ability to do it is a special capability of the system. With other technologies, Deborah would get the same dose overall to each region (main area and boost area), but this is a more efficient approach that can reduce skin redenning, as Dr Rost indicates.”

Here’s a link to a recently published paper on the approach (this is a “technical note”, so keep in mind it discusses it more pragmatic/procedural-based, than clinical): http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19044322?ordinalpos=49&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

And here’s an interview we have on our site with Dr. Jim Welsh, in which he speaks about Tomo for breast cancer and boosts using Tomo: http://www.tomotherapy.com/video/tags/tag/james+welsh+md

Dr. Welsh and Dr. Rost were two of the first docs in the world to use Tomo to treat patients. They both a lot of experience with this new technology, so have a head start over many who have more recently adopted Tomo. That’s probably why you’re not finding a lot of info out there. Hope the background helps. <<

june 25th will be my last day of treatment instead of july 6th. when i first found out, i was elated! but then when i imagined actually going to radiation for the last time, walking out of that room and down the hall and then leaving the hospital, walking through those same doors that my son james and i went through the morning of november 20, the day of my mastectomy, i realized i'm very afraid. ever since my surgery, things have been done to my body to proactively kill cancer cells--all that chemo, all this radiation. i've had doctors and nurses and techs hovering over me and testing me and sticking me with needles and taking blood and giving me results. when this is over, that's when it's all up to me and fate. i have to stay healthy and be active and eat right and live every day trying not to worry about cancer recurrence. i know i'm going to worry that without all this daily treatment, cancer cells are going to start growing again. every headache, every bone pain - we know what that means. fear that cancer has spread to the brain or bone or liver. i'm going to have to find a way to be fatalistic about cancer, to do my best to stay healthy and happy, but be okay with whatever happens. i'm so glad i never have to have another mammogram again and never have to wait for the results. but i can only imagine what it's going to be like every three months when i get bloodwork and tumor marker tests and wait for results. i have to accept that this is just not going to be easy, but it might get easier over time. it's the "new normal" we keep hearing about.

even better news is that dr. rost told me he can do my bloodwork and tumor markers and continue to be my main "cancer doctor," and i can dump my medical oncologist (who has made my life miserable the last nine months). with pleasure. i am very fond of dr. rost and trust him.

this afternoon i had a 1-hour massage, the first i've had since my diagnosis. the veins where i had chemo are shot, and my arm hurt like hell when the masseuse touched anywhere near the veins on that arm, but other than that, it was pretty much heaven. and it's a treat i'll be having every two weeks from now on. no more postponing pleasure!!

6.10.09 - radiation #17 - and a surprise!

2009-06-10T15:08:00.001-07:00

radiation #17 today and again no one else in the waiting room. always a disappointment!

i received this e-mail today - a lovely surprise! thank you, kevin!

Hi Deborah,

I've been following your blog from here in Madison, Wisconsin (where I work for TomoTherapy Inc.). I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your photography with the world.

It is always great to hear/read what's on the mind of people who are being treated with our technology. Your honest thoughts on radiation -- wondering whether or not it's even working, sharing that it doesn't feel friendly -- are much appreciated. So is your post from the day the Tomo machine was down. These help 'keep it real' for me and many others who work here, far from Reno and far from our customers -- doctors, therapists, patients and survivors.

I hope you don't mind, but I shared an excerpt from your site in a quick employee newsletter article I wrote yesterday. Here it is:

Deborah Lattimore is a photographer and a mother currently being treated with Tomo for breast cancer in Reno, Nevada. Like a lot of cancer patients, she keeps a blog.

Deborah writes wonderfully about many things, but I’ve particularly enjoyed her posts on the people she meets in the waiting room each day before treatment. Here’s an excerpt. . .

"today in the waiting room:

a woman in her sixties, wearing a purple top with embroidered flowers and purple pants, who was diagnosed in october with cancer of the larynx and vocal cords. she had chemo but never lost her hair. today was her last day of radiation, after 38 treatments. cause for celebration! the woman who was with her held her hand and was very affectionate. she wore a floral top with earrings that matched, and had all-white hair in a big bun. they said they live together not far from the hospital. i loved their body language with each other.

a man in his fifties who was fired from his trucking job in january, but his company paid for his health insurace for three months.

a man in his seventies who said he lives at the top of a big hill in reno and thought winter would never end.

i was in the waiting room not more than 15 minutes. it's amazing how much you learn about people in such a short time. the conversations just happen. we just pour out our stories like water."

Take a minute to read Deborah’s blog, and express your support of her story, at: http://ddlatt.blogspot.com/

I’d love to speak with you about your experience, and share some thoughts on how we approach patient education. Please let me know if you have any interest in hearing more.

Thanks again, Deborah.

Sincerely,
- Kevin

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
KEVIN O’MALLEY
MANAGER, CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS
TOMOTHERAPY INCORPORATED

6.9.09 - radiation #16 of 35 - almost halfway!

2009-06-09T17:20:00.001-07:00

radiation #16. ok, well, now there are some side effects that are quite unpleasant. the radiated side of my chest area and below the underarm, where i had the sentinel node biopsy, is very tight and hurts to stretch. i do stretches every day, but now it's very tight. my skin looks fine--no redness, no evidence of radiation. i see dr. rost tomorrow (i'm bringing him cookies because i heard that when i brought a big bag of photography magazines to one of the techs who is a photographer, dr. rost thought it was cookies and was disappointed) and will ask him about this tightness. he told me today that the last week of radiation, i will be having 7 boosts in the tomotherapy machine. that means the radiation will be focused only on the tumor site, not the entire chest area.

i never felt like chemo was hurting me. i could imagine the chemicals killing off cancer cells that were growing and dividing. but radiation doesn't feel friendly. i can't help but imagine it not only killing the growing and dividing cancer cells, but also harming areas of my body where the radiation really isn't supposed to go, or giving me leukemia in the future. i hope my sense of radiation is outdated and superstitious.

who knew hula hooping could be such a workout!? especially since i really haven't gotten the hang of it yet. any five-year-old kid can do it! i shall persevere!

6.8.09 - radiation #15

2009-06-08T15:17:00.000-07:00

radiation #15, completely uneventful as usual. no side effects so far.

i bought a hula hoop today. it's one hell of a lot harder to hula hoop than i remember as a kid! but it's fun.

6.6.09 - radiation #14

2009-06-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday, radiation #14. it's weird being treated by something i can't see. i was in the tomotherapy machine, hearing the leaves opening and closing as they went around in the circle going around me, and wondering, hmmm, what if there's no radiation at all in this machine. how would we know? radiation really brings out my skepticism and my cynicism. and how do we know the radiation is really going to the right places? the table moves and that ring starts out above my face and ends up above my belly. i've asked why that is, why doesn't the ring stay above my tumor site, and they say it's because in tomotheraphy, the radiation is applied to my body from all angles. i asked the tech to prove i'm getting the radiation in the right area. she showed me the computerized view of my body and radiation sites. but how do i know it's really correct? believing in this radiation treatment is a huge leap of faith for me. and then i think about the research that shows that years from now this radiation could lead to leukemia. must.stop.thinking.

my friend wendy is spending the weekend with me again!

6.4.09 - radiation #13 - eyelashes!!

2009-06-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

it takes so little make me happy these days - even ecstatic. like my eyelashes growing back! i couldn't believe it! they're just barely starting to grow back, but it feels miraculous. and my head is a chia pet - some brown but mostly white hair growing back.

once again, radiation was uneventful. i'm starting to feel fatigue from radiation, but very minor.

this made me laugh:

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.

And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!

6.3.09 - radiation #12

2009-06-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

radiation #12 - uneventful as usual! no redness, no side effects. i go to radiation so often, that at noon today i felt like i had already gone! it's an odd feeling of deja vu to be in that tomotherapy machine every day.

matt and molly are coming for dinner tonight. i loved loved loved cooking up cauliflower gratin, asparagus, sauteed chicken breast with garlic and tons of mushrooms, with my porch door open and watching the rain. oh, such joy! it really is the very simple things that make me happy now, the joys you cannot buy.

6.2.09 - radiation #11

2009-06-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

radiation #11 - completely uneventful, which is good.

incredible rain and thunder again today! heaven. absolute heaven.

after radiation, matt invited me over for cookies that molly made last night. mmmm. oatmeal and chocolate chip. i never cared for sweets before this cancer experience, and now i love them. especially frozen yogurt.

matt is going to london for a week this month on business! very exciting. the last time he was there, he was 15 years old and went with his german class. and james is going to cabo on a filming project this month too. he's been there many times, but this time will be staying at my cousin victor's house in pedregal. my world traveling sons!

6.1.09 - radiation #10 and a plane reservation!

2009-06-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

radiation #10 was uneventful, but i am starting to feel the fatigue my doctor told me about.

it's been thundering and raining off and on for three days - i'm completely blissed out. right now i am watching the rain on the mountains, in the valley, and splashing against my windows, listening to thunder, watching the trees going wild. i have a fire in the fireplace and it's so cozy and wonderful here. i just love my home - i will have been here one year tomorrow!

made plane reservations to go to texas in july after radiation to see my mom and her beau and some friends and my cousin victor for 5 days and to go with scott bond to caddo lake for 4 days. scott and i have been close since we were six years old. this will be our third trip to caddo together - our summer tradition. we love getting up before dawn and getting the boat ready and getting out in the marsh by sun-up. he might do some fishing, but i'll be taking photos. it's a mysterious world out in the marshes and miles of water - i think caddo and the marshes in cameron parish in louisiana are my favorite places in the world.

the new york times ran a wonderful article about caddo recently.

it feels great to see beyond cancer treatment and make plans again!

5.29.09 - radiation #9

2009-05-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

radiation #9

i asked to see the tomotherapy computerized mapping of my body and asked them to show me exactly where i'm getting radiation. it's a much larger area than i thought. one inch above and below the breast area and one inch to the left of the tumor site (toward the middle of my chest), but on the other side, all the way around to the whole area underneath the underarm.

went to whole foods to get strawberries, and in line a woman behind me said, "are you having chemo?" she was my age. i asked, "so you know the look?" she said she finished chemo one year ago this month and feels great. her hair had grown back and she's had to trim it twice. we talked for a while, and when we parted, she said, "good luck! no, i don't mean good luck. i mean go do it!" kinship.

when i got home, the sky was dark and it was starting to rain. it hardly EVER rains here--i mean EVER! and i love rain, having grown up with wonderful thunderstorms in dallas. the temperature dropped suddenly and it was almost chilly. i dropped off some strawberries with matt, rushed home, put on my favorite sweater, put on a pair of thick smartwool socks, went out on the porch and rocked in my rocking chair, was delirious from the wonderful smell of rain on dry earth, and watched the huge trees frantically swaying in the wind. it was a slow rain all over the valley and over the mountains. i had planned to get some work done this afternoon, but watching and smelling the rain was such a rare treat, i stayed on the porch quite a long time, eating strawberries, happily in love with nevada.

5.28.09 - radiation #8

2009-05-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

radiation #8

in the waiting room:

a man whose doctor told him he had six months to live without treatment, two years to live with chemo and radiation. he was on oxygen and periodically falling asleep. his wife was doing all the talking. she said that after his diagnosis, "i lost two months of enjoying my husband because i was so angry he has cancer."

a woman whose mother, age 84, was getting radiation for lung cancer. her doctor told her she has only a few months to live. the daughter said they went to an irish bar last night, said she's not only keeping her mother alive, but LIVING.

when my sons were little, we volunteered at Meals on Wheels. i'm going to get involved with it again. there are so many causes i'm interested in, but hunger is the one that saddens me the most, and especially thinking about elderly or sick people who have no one to cook for them and they can't get out to shop for themselves.

my hair is really growing back quickly, and it's definitely SILVER! oh, and i heard an ad on TV the other day for a "discount for seniors ages 55 and older." ahem! i will be 55 in september. a senior???

nevada has the most amazing miles of sky, today filled with phenomenal enormous clouds. the wind picked up ferociously this afternoon and the sky in the south is dark. i'm hoping for a dramatic thunderstorm!

5.27.09 - radiation #7

2009-05-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

radiation #7.

the indian woman who lives on the reservation near elko, NV, had her last radiation today. she was so happy and ready to drive the 5 hours back home right after her treatment.

there are now little red bumps on the radiated area and they itch!! the aloe gel helps, and i'm also using aquaphor lotion.

went to matt's after treatment and hung out with him for an hour or so. brought him a cauliflower just for fun, and was so happy when he cooked it right up for a snack! with cabbage!

it's hot as hell outside, and i love coming home to air-conditioning. it reminds me of growing up in texas.

5.26.09 - radiation #6 and finally a doctor i really like

2009-05-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

had radiation #6 today, then met with dr. eric rost. he's the medical director of radiation oncology and he's my doc. there is something about him that is so disarming and so reassuring and so down to earth. there is no pretentiousness about him at all. the only other doctor i've met since my ordeal began that i trusted and felt safe with was dr. mark moasser at UCSF. the two medical oncologists that i'm stuck with here because of insurance are absolute...well, we don't need to go into that again. i've already raked them over the coals in this blog and i hate thinking about them. i talked to dr. rost about them a little bit today, told him i think they should be run out of town (to say the least). i like dr. rost's body language and the way he listens and responds. it's so shocking and so wonderful to have a doctor here that i like and trust.

i asked him what he thought about genetic testing. i assumed that because my birth mother and grandmother died of breast cancer that spread to the bone, he'd say i needed it, and if i was positive for the BRCA genes, then i'd need to have an oopherectomy. but he said no, that because i'm postmenopausal, it's not necessary. he expressed more thoughts about it, but bottom line is that he doesn't recommend it. no one else has told me that before.

then we talked about scans. he said i'd have a PET scan of my body six months after the end of chemo, which means november. (my idiotic med onc , gary abrass, said i'd only need chest x-rays and bloodwork every three months, that i won't have any scans at all. i'm ignoring him completely and only listening to rost. rost agreed the chest x-rays are unnecessary.) he said they don't do a scan of the brain. i asked why, since i've read that one of the main places breast cancer comes back is the brain. he said that if had cancer spread to the brain, we'd know it - headaches and i'd act strange. then he said, "but in your case that would be hard to know," which totally cracked me up! he's got me figured out.

i told dr. rost how much i like having him as my doctor and that he seems like a teddy bear. i hope that didn't insult him. i meant it in the best way possible. he's got the most adorable face and smile, and he's very teddy bearish in a nice hugable sort of way.

i am so enormously relieved to have a doctor i like and trust, and so encouraged by the thought that i might not have to have the genetic testing and oopherectomy, i sat in my car and cried and cried. it felt good.

5.25.09

2009-05-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

or absolutely no reason i've felt exhausted and had a headache all day. i haven't had a headache since chemo. i watched oprah and it was all about breast cancer. it was a rerun and i remember watching it last year at this same time and i didn't pay any attention to it, another stupid breast cancer show. this time i watched it and cried my fucking eyes out.

5.25.09

2009-05-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm so honored! The SF Conservatory of Music has chosen my photo of a boat reflection to promote their new music series! I received this e-mail from Terry Fiala, and the SF Conservatory is purchasing usage rights. I'm so thrilled that my photo will be out in the world for so many people to see, and associated with such a great event!

Hello Deborah,

I am writing to inquire about obtaining usage rights for one of your beautiful images. It’s this one: www.smugmug.com/gallery/3836785_5APLd#221915891_AGKXy

I represent the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, and we’re interested in using this image to promote our new music series we call BluePrint. Next season’s theme is “Crosscurrents… where arts converge” and we think your image would be a perfect visual for it. We’re a private, nonprofit school of music with about 400 collegiate students. The BluePrint new music series is a student ensemble that performs music written within the last about 100 years.

Here are the ways we would use the image – all of which are geographically limited to the Bay Area:

- two post card mailings of about 4000 cards each

- one or two display ads in publications such as San Francisco Arts Monthly and/or program booklets for other arts organizations

- email e-blasts (2-4) to our internal list of about 1000 names

Thanks, and best regards,

terry fiala | communications
san francisco conservatory of music
50 oak street · san francisco · ca · 94102

5.24.09 - a happy simple life

2009-05-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went to moana nursery to buy plants for my porch. this is one of the most beautiful nurseries i have ever been to - always a rich sensory experience. bubbling fountains inside the building and outside among the thousands of well-cared-for plants and flowers and trees, lots of bird baths and gardening knickknacks. i've been to moana many times, but yesterday was the first time since my cancer fiesta, and it felt so different. i was so keenly aware of how wonderful the sunshine felt, how beautiful the flowers and plants and trees were, how upbeat everyone seemed, milling around and pushing their carts filled with plants. i was luxuriating in the feeling of having all the time in the world to walk around in the sunshine and be surrounded by the wonderful smell of dirt and summertime. it feels so amazing to now have my normal, simple life back again. i think about those months of chemo and how bad i felt, how many days i spent wishing i could die rather than finish AC, how many mornings the neulasta had me crying in bed (before finally a doc prescribed the right pain meds), and i feel so sorry for myself and what i went through. i'm so glad it's over.

it was so wonderful this morning to rock in my rocking chair on the porch at 6 a.m., look at my new beautiful plants, drink coffee, write in my journal, look out at the mountains and feel healthy and happy. then at 7 i took an hour walk on the trail behind my house - eight miles.

this afternoon i had GLORIOUS FUN doing yardwork with my son and daughter-in-law and her brother at their house. i made pizza for us for brunch, and then we spent a few hours in their back yard. i was pulling weeds and they were landscaping. it was a hot day and really fun to feel the earth between my fingers, to laugh with them, take a lot of pictures. a perfect sunday.

the pool is open and my daughter-in-law is coming over to swim later.

no side effects from radiation so far! 30 more treatments to go and then off to texas!

5.22.09 - radiation #5

2009-05-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

radiation #5

no one in the waiting room

slow lounge music in the radiation room today

in and out in less than 15 minutes

so far no side effects, no redness, no change in energy level

no radiation on monday because of memorial day

walked 8 miles again this morning. i feel great! but when is my hair going to grow again?! i have peach fuzz all over my head. no eyelashes, no eyebrows.

i love my big porch and 4 rocking chairs overlooking the valley and mountains. i'm going to buy a fountain this weekend for the porch. i miss the sound of water. in pacifica for 8 years i lived right at the beach. i miss the ocean but not that cold fog. i love nevada heat!

5.22.09 - recurrence = french fries

2009-05-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

6:00 a.m. before morning walk

i was reading in bed last night with my book on my chest, and felt a sore spot on my left breast area just like the sore spot right at the edge of my right breast that started all this 8 months ago, which i also discovered when reading in bed with a book on my chest. exactly the same thing--not a lump, just a sore spot. (i still remember my sense of relief when my GYN couldn't feel a lump and said, "i'm sure you'll be fine!" fortunately i had a mammogram already scheduled for the next day.) last night i couldn't stop crying. i don't want to go through all this again, especially so soon. there are all kinds of lumps and bumps in the breast cavity after the mastectomy.

i swear, if i have breast cancer again, i'm going back to wine and french fries and potato chips IMMEDIATELY.