sadness. two medical professionals i care deeply for, who took care of me, have been diagnosed with cancer. my next-door neighbor, who took care of her mom for many years at home (who died of breast cancer) has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. i tried to get in touch with two friends i was very close to when i lived in davis, and discovered that both of them died recently of breast cancer. a dear friend has a spot in her breast but is too afraid to have a biopsy, so she's going to just hope for the best and have another mammogram in six months. my oldest and dearest friend has been smoking for twenty years and won't stop.

i'm torn between feeling fatalistic (we all die of something, so pass the potato chips) and then panicked (very, very anxious to move back to davis and dive into a happy life).

i keep returning to a poem by Colleen Wainwright:

All the room in the world

If it helps
we're only renting
The car you drive
The house you bought
Those shoes
That ring
This muffin
It all passes through
like it was never yours
to begin with
(Especially the muffin)

I'm the caretaker
for now
of this hat
that fridge
these cells
and once my term is up
they will move on
to the next caretaker
in some shape
or another entirely

Be the container
that is clean and good
to hold these things
for the time they are yours:
these babies
those thoughts
this poem
And be prepared
to let go
at a moment's notice
(or not)
when the moment comes
And if you feel sad
or heavy
or small
let go
let go
let go
All the stuff in the world
is not half as wonderful
as the room left behind
once it's gone.

xoxo