7.5.09 - radiation #33 of 33 - boost #8 of 8 - ALL DONE!!

rereading my journal. on january 10, 2009, the day before chemo started, i wrote:

"saying goodbye to so many things for such a long time. i'm scared and it's all so surreal. life really will change tomorrow, much more than after my surgery. much, much more. am i naive to think i won't let this treatment get me down? am i defenseless against it? so hard to imagine all this. i hate not knowing how my body will be in four months after chemo and then three months later after radiation. i have a determination to not let it attack me and take my life away. i hope i can be strong. after treatment i'm going to travel and take photos again. free time. is there such a thing as free time?"

and today i am finished with treatment, on the other side of all those questions and fears seven months ago. and, yes, chemo did certainly get me down and kept me down for quite a while. but i was lucky that all the side effects went away very soon, and radiation has been a breeze. i feel just as energetic as i did before treatment. in 9 days i'll be on a plane to texas, in 67 days i'll be at the ocean again for a week, and in 106 days on a plane to paris.

i can't believe it's over! i think of all the people i've met since my diagnosis who i would never, ever have met otherwise - it feels like an entire lifetime has passed in ten months and i'm starting all over again, with a new set of friends, a new set of eyes, definitely a new body, and a very new awareness about living.

thank you for interacting with me all these months, for supporting me and encouraging me, for making me laugh, for being there. you've been such an enormous part of my healing, and i am so grateful we have made a connection. i want to keep writing when things come up about love, cancer, etc., as i slide into this new life, and definitely when i have follow-up visits with my doctor. i celebrated today with bobbi gillis, my nurse navigator who has been by my side every single day since we met in november, and will celebrate with my family, and later tonight i'll go out on my porch and rock in my rocking chair and watch the mountains grow dark and say "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over again to everyone who's helped me get to this wonderful end of treatment.

xoxxoxoxo

7.4.09 - goodbye cancer! hello paris!

my first trip to paris was when i was 18 and went with my father. i had been speaking french since i was 10, was fluent, and loved everything french. i decided to major in french and secondary education in college, and spent my junior year studying in paris, where i met my ex-husband in grammar class when i was 21 and fell in love. in 2003, my oldest son and i spent a week in paris together, and every year since then i've wanted to go back, but something always came up. i have learned from this cancer experience not to postpone happiness.

so today i used some of my frequent flyer miles and booked a flight to paris and reserved a hotel room at Hotel Jeanne d'Arc, which is my very favorite part of paris, the marais. i'll be there for two weeks in october, and my oldest son hopefully will be able to join me. i have french friends that i'll be so happy to see again. and i can hardly wait to speak french again all day and hear it all around me.

this photo is of the building i lived in when i went to college in paris in 1975. i took the photo in 2003 when james and i visited. 5, rue philibert delorme, in the 17th arrondisement.

i never dreamed last september, when i heard "you have a small cancer" that the following july i'd be happy, energetic, healthy, and planning my trip to paris.

la vie est belle!

7.2.09 - radiation #32 of 33 - boost #6 of 7

ONE MORE TREATMENT LEFT. i've been waiting a long time to say that! monday will be my true independence day, because the rad department will be closed tomorrow.

the photo above shows how radiation has affected my body. the radiated area is much darker because it is very, very red (and itchy as hell). but other than that, no skin issues. the mastectomy was a little over 7 months ago, and the scars have healed beautifully. i love my new body and especially love not wearing a bra, which i always thought was the most bizarre invention on earth. so, thank you, cancer! haha

brought in blueberries and thank-you cards to the techs and dr. rost today, and a CD of some of my very favorite music for dr. rost, because we joke about the god-awful music in the radiation room. imagine, just when you think it can't get any worse, not only are you going through 33 treatments of radiation, but you keep hearing the looped CD with ABBA on it.

people ask me what i'm going to do after treatment. i keep thinking about the article below, which i find very comforting. for the rest of 2009 and all of 2010, i'm going to travel as much as possible every month and not have a plan at all, about anything. i'm going to recover from this intense cancer experience. i'm going to "simply be" and connect with my priorities "in a very organic, unforced way."


Permission To Simply Be

The elation we feel when we have learned an important lesson, achieved a goal, or had a big breakthrough can sometimes be met with a period of downtime afterward. During this period of transition, we may feel unsure and not know where to turn next. Many people, during the pause between achievements, begin to wonder what their life is about. These feelings are common and strike everyone from time to time. Human beings are active creatures—we feel best when we are working on a project or vigorously pursuing a goal. But there is nothing inherently wrong with spending a day, a week, or even a month simply existing and not having a plan. Just be. It won’t be long before you embark upon your next voyage of growth and discovery.

The quiet lull into we which we fall between ideas, projects, and goals can make life seem empty. After accomplishing one objective, you may want to move immediately on to the next. However, when your next step is unclear, you may feel frustrated, disconnected, or even a mild depression. You may even perceive your lack of forward momentum as an indicator of imminent stagnation. To calm these distressing thoughts, try to accept that if your intent is personal growth, you will continue to grow as an individual whether striving for a specific objective or not. Spending time immersed in life’s rigors and pleasures can be a cathartic experience that gives you the time you need to think about what you have recently gone through and leisurely contemplate what you wish to do next. You may also find that in simply being and going through the motions of everyday life, you reconnect with your priorities in a very organic, unforced way.

The mindful transitional pause can take many forms. For some, it can be a period of reflection that helps them understand how their life has unfolded. For others, it can be a period of adjustment, where new values based on recent changes are integrated into daily life. Just because you’re not headed swiftly to a final destination doesn’t mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that will soon be revealed to you.

--dailyom.com

7.1.09 - technical difficulties

dana jennings, who has been writing a blog in the new york times about his prostate cancer experience, has posted a very moving article about Losing a Comforting Ritual: Treatment, which expresses exactly how i'm feeling. i'm glad treatment is almost over, but it's going to be such an adjustment to live without it.

today i got a taste of what dana is talking about, because i couldn't go to radiation because the machine was down for the day. it felt very odd at 1:30 not to leave for the hospital. suddenly it really felt like summer! a whole day of free time! i imagined this feeling for the rest of summer and all winter and all next year and beyond. i think i'm going to like it.