one year ago. the dreaded letter.
i remember sitting in my car, reading my mail. opened this letter, read it. my heart was racing and it felt like an out-of-body experience, going through the motions of putting the mail down, starting up the car, continuing with life, buying groceries to cook dinner with matt and molly, and a feeling like i was levitating, not really in my body anymore. i remember i e-mailed four friends immediately from my blackberry. wrote in my journal that night, which is how this blog begins. i didn't tell my children for a few more weeks, until after my biopsy.
when i was going through chemo, i never thought i'd feel this, but i do feel privileged to have been able to see what it's like to deal with cancer and be part of the hospital/medical/cancer machine. it's made me much more compassionate, patient, appreciative, and aware. a year ago i took so much for granted. i really needed this wakeup call.
6 comments:
Hi Deborah:
One year ago on the 18th, my daughter also found out she had cancer. I've been thanking the universe these last few days, that she survived her operation and is doing very well now. So hard to believe that she/we survived the year.
She like you, and most cancer survivors I gather, do feel the diagnosis was a gift - an opportunity to re-order priorities and re-align values.
One year ago we were all meat and dairy eaters - now as a result of our research on the topic, my daugher and her partner are vegans and my husband and I are vegetarians. Life, thank goodness went on, but many things have changed for the better.
I'm so glad you are a year away from that awful day . . . that your treatments are over . . . and you are back doing the things you love. Hurrah. Life can be good!!
dear bonnie, i'm happy for your daughter too. i know it's been a long year for us all. i was a vegetarian before my cancer experience, but during chemo when i was anemic, i ate beef for the first time in a decade, and i was advised by my dietician to eat a chicken breast almost every day during chemo. i am lucky that my cancer was hormone-receptor-negative, so i can still eat pure soy. (hormone-receptor-positive women shouldn't eat any soy.) i haven't returned to being a vegetarian. i've decided that all things in moderation are okay. i'm not as rigid in any of my beliefs as i was before this experience. if i eat beef, i look for grass-fed with no hormones. any chicken i eat is organic and free-range. maybe if i had a better feeling about recurrence, i'd remain a vegetarian, but i don't. i'm fairly pessimistic about that for my situation. but i still pay my PETA membership dues and love the work that they do! all the best to you and your family xoxo
I remember the phone calls after each test. I remember almost canceling the MRI because I thought everything was really ok & it was a waste of money. And then the nurse read me part of the ultrasound report .. 'probable malignancy'. I couldn't get those words out of my head for days. I remember saying 'I don't have time for this !'
Cancer definitely makes you re-evaluate every aspect of your life. It makes you actually appreciate being able to do your own grocery shopping or vacuuming your own house. Who would have evvvver thought that !?
May the the year ahead of you be truly amazing !
dear indigo, i remember the day when i finally felt like i had all my energy back and felt "normal" again. oh, and when finally my hair started looking non-cancery! i agree with you. i appreciate every single thing now. i hope your year is truly amazing too! xoxo
thank you for sharing all of this. Reading about your cancer journey has made me cry and made me laugh. But mostly, it's given me hope (not that I didn't have any before), hope and faith that I can do this. I can get through this chemo, and the radiation. And I will be ok at the end of it all.
Have a great time in Paris :)
Hi Deborah, I have been so remiss in my correspondence, but finally re-learned how to get actively on this blogsite ( it is really baffling to me believe it or not ) and your posting here reminded me of all you have been through...and here you are, sending out your strong messages of hope and strength! I have heard others say the same thing as you, the gift of the wake up call, of appreciation of Life, of living it in a new and different way. A lesson for us all. Best to you.... ( and I found the missing book, which I know you think doesn't exist - - I will surprise you!)
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